"a realist with a touch of hopeless romantic.”

I just took quiz two on Plenty of Fish, the Relationship Needs Assessment. I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by the results, they are extensive. Apparently I have many idiosyncrasies in my needs. I just read the bottom lines because I'm feeling tired and well, I already missed Headlines on Jay Leno so my night is shot. In case you misplaced your very long and boring book or just are more curious about me than I am about myself....

Interdependence

Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner. You are moderately interdependent in a relationship. This means that you desire a good degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner. And you absolutely are drawn to someone whom you can respect and even emulate to some degree. In fact, it is quite common for a person in this score range to consider how your romantic partner would reflect on your family and friends. This all does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw strength, comfort and a strong sense of identity from their close relationships. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and you desire showing off your “couplehood” in public. Bottom line: you need someone who likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “interdependency” needs with potential partners:

“Do you think couples can ever get to the point when they spend too much time together? – and if so, how do you know when that point is?”

“How much time away from a lover do you think you need in a given week? – and what kinds of things do you like to do for yourself during your free time?”

“What really makes a date or any time with a partner truly special for you?”

Intimacy Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner. You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “intimacy” needs with potential partners: “Have you tended to avoid arguments with past partners or is it more like you to talk about all types of the feelings and concerns you have?” “Do you think couples should always be open and honest with each other, or are there things that it is okay to hold back?” “Can you talk and share on an intimate level as well as you listen to a friend in need?”

Self-efficacy Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation. People like you are characterized by a strong self-esteem, sense of self and sense of accomplishment. Those who know you best would likely describe you as influential, patient and accepting of others – and calm, cool and collected most of the time. You are content with your personal qualities and feel you are an attractive person. Moreover, you probably have a good sense of control over the events in your life and are decisive in managing your life. In this sense, you likely do not overreact to circumstances as others might do. Rather, people in your scoring range are quite adaptable and are able to maintain a balanced perspective on situations. Additionally, you are also very influential and persuasive with others. Therefore, it is expected that family, friends and acquaintances often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. You are confident that people who are important in your life understand you, but you also tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. Bottom line: you need a partner who is energetic, enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you and will support or even participate in your personal and professional interests that feed your sense of identity and accomplishment. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “self-efficacy” needs with potential partners: “To what extent do you need a job or hobbies that allow you to express your energy and creativity?” “Do you like solving the challenges that work and home life throw at you? Why or Why not? “ “What are some of the best ways to turn around a ‘bad day’?”

Relationship readiness Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. You seem to be happy and content in your life. This is an excellent foundation for a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They can connect well with others with effective relationship and dating skills, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you appear to be looking for a relationship to complement your life, not to fulfill or “complete” it. You probably have a lot to offer a partner, as long as you do not set unrealistic expectations for that person or the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who is not looking to be taken care of, but rather who is realistic about the hard work it takes to build and maintain a stable and satisfying relationship. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “relationship readiness” needs with potential partners: “How do you personally define success in life?” “In what ways do your relationships with your children, ex-partner/spouse, siblings, parents and extended family interfere with having the life and relationship that you want?” “How would you describe your requirements for a romantic partner?”

Communication Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to understand you. Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “communication” needs with potential partners: “Do you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know you really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will think less of you?” “Do you find it difficult to trust a romantic partner completely? Explain” “Would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about things in the past of which you felt ashamed?” Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach. Issues you seem to Over-value I stay focused (not lost in unimportant details or procrastination) in getting a job done. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you can not reprioritize responsibilities when needed or tell others “no,” that you do not have a strong attention to detail or that you do not challenge assumptions when necessary. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not easily distracted or self absorbed, that you have energy and motivation or that you have a good sense of priorities. I am comfortable with pauses when others are experiencing emotion. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you do not always strive to understand what another person is thinking, that you dislike talking through problems or that you are not eager to address the key issues when communicating with another person. On the positive side, it could mean that you do not readily jump to conclusions, that you maintain an optimistic outlook or that you are good at understanding nonverbal communication. Issues you seem to Under-value I freely admit to making mistakes. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you have an unrealistic view of yourself, that you are self conscious, that you are overly proud or that you have low self esteem. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not self critical or that you do not like to focus on negatives but instead seek out positives.

Conflict resolution Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are strongest in the areas of Viewing Conflict as Positive (as learning opportunities); Clarifying Perceptions; Noting Needs; Drawing on Power of a Positive Partnership; and Developing Doables or stepping stones for actions. This all suggests that you are very action-oriented when addressing problems. Rather than avoid conflict, you seem to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome. Your definition of positive outcomes, however, may not always agree with your partner’s definition. For example, in eagerness to find what appears to be a complete and genuine resolution of a conflict rather than settling for a temporary agreement, you may focus on meeting your needs while unwittingly downplaying or minimizing whether your partner’s needs have been met as well. Furthermore, people in this scoring range do not consistently consider the Proper Atmosphere when addressing relationship problems. That is, you may neither consistently arrange for a mutually acceptable time and setting nor choose your opening statement carefully to establish positive yet realistic expectations. Bottom line: you need someone who is calm, cool and collected and who is willing to address issues spontaneously and through intense, action-oriented debates and discussions. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “conflict resolution” needs with potential partners: “Would you describe yourself as a rapid thinker? Explain” “When you become frustrated at not being able to figure out the solution to a problem, does that make you work even harder to solve it? Explain” “On a typical day, would you describe yourself as a person who likes frequent change? Explain” Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach. Issues you seem to Over-value In conflict my reactions are based on how I think the other party perceives me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you do not value individuality and independence or that you posture to people. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not self absorbed or egotistical, that you have good emotional intelligence or that you do not jump to conclusions.

Sexuality Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy. Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude. You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex, you also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “sexual” needs with potential partners: “How important to you is preparation for sex? – and under what situations?” “In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’?” “Do your sexual fantasies tend to involve romantic scenes and anticipation or do they trend to being more about spontaneity and unbridled passion?” Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach. Issues you seem to Under-value I wait until I am in love with a person before having sex with him/her . Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you prefer superficial attachments to partners, that you have low self esteem, that you are selfish and hedonistic or that you are impulsive in thought, feeling and deed. On the positive side, it could mean that you are spontaneous and passionate or that you know what you like.

Attitudes toward love Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love. There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as "a realist with a touch of hopeless romantic.” This means that you do value Romantic Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Companionate Love. Thus, people in this scoring range typically believe that differences can be overcome and lasting love can be sustained if the couple does the hard of work of consistently showing mutual understanding and accommodation. In this sense, it is likely that you believe soul mates are made, not born. Bottom line: you need someone who believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong friendship. Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “love attitude” needs with potential partners: “Do you believe that the best kind of love grows out of strong friendship?” “In your opinion, how can a couple overcome differences on issues like religion, ethnicity, politics or social class?” “When it comes to a romantic partner, how would define someone who is unusually well adjusted?”

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion. There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to the gift of Time. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection and show you are a priority by spending time with you – such as simply talking and cuddling at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or extended road trips.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“Have you ever taken off work early to spend some special with your partner or a loved one?”

“Have past partners consistently complained that you would frequently call to say you were running late for a date?”

“How much alone time during the week do you need with a partner to feel satisfied?”

Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Actions received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not necessarily mean that you neither like nor need Actions. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who feels that simple or grand acts of kindness are no substitutes for other expressions of affection – such as telling you how they feel, treating you like a partner, touching you lovingly, spending time with you or remembering special occasions with a thoughtful gift.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“In what ways – if any – do you like for a partner to depend on you?”

“Have you offered to throw a party for someone? – if so, why did you take on that responsibility?”

“What are some things you have done for other people that they would say were the most thoughtful?”