Experts and then some.

Slow day with lack of focus? I know it's not just me.

Check out my new favorite sex advice column.

Don't worry Mr. Savage, you're still #1!

Facebooked too soon? The Horror!

The Following lists were pulled from this Article from the Denver Post. It's worth a look simply for the sexy pictures of a dude in a superior date outfit.

These lists are pretty intense and if I weren't already in the swing of things might just scare me off from dating all together. You could do any number of the things listed below wrong or you could just be a wrong fit. I am pretty judgmental (especially in the safety of this blog) but, my oh my, maybe we are getting out of control with the picky and deal breakers, except with the jean shorts, that's legit.

WOMEN

Constantly call, instant message and text.

Drop in unexpectedly.

Use goofy pet names in public.

Act insecure.

Take too long to get ready.

Ask "where is this relationship going?"

Lie about age or weight.

Keep a checklist of requirements.

Friend a man on Facebook if you've only gone out a couple of times.

Lead him on, or aren't assertive enough to say "we aren't a match."

Are afraid of sending sexually explicit text messages or photos after a few dates.

Have a "tramp stamp," a tattoo above the rear end at the base of the spine.

Ask if they look fat in an outfit.

Can't walk in heels.

Never wear a dress.

Have an unkempt house.

Are always down or moody.

Are either too clingy or too distant.

Wear too much makeup or perfume.

Don't communicate feelings until they blow up.

Don't know the difference between a disagreement and a discussion.

Are picky about food.

Expect fireworks after a date instead of letting sparks grow.

Get princessy or acts entitled.

Take down profile on dating site after only a few dates.

Say "I love you," or talk about marriage after only a few dates.

MEN

Are too attached to their mothers.

Try to have sex too early.

Lie about how tall they are or how much money they make.

Whip out a calculator at dinner to split a check.

Go into hyper-pursuit mode.

Want to go out for dinner on a first date instead of something casual like having coffee.

Ask date if she has Viagra or another sexual stimulant.

Arrange group dates or has you meet his friends too early.

Don't use proper grammar or spelling.

Has sexy online dating profile names, uses sexual innuendo, talks about sex on a first date.

Facebooks a woman after a date instead of calling or texting.

Writes on a woman's Facebook page after only a few dates.

Plays head games such as waiting for three days before calling after a date.

Makes fashion errors such as wearing jorts (jean shorts) or embellished jeans.

Has minimal furniture.

Wears a Hawaiian shirt on a date.

Has goofy facial expressions while dancing.

Uses overly creative or long voice-mail messages.

Yells at the waiter.

Forces conversations or jumps from one topic to the next to avoid silences.

Is passive-aggressive or does things to push your buttons.

Uses his phone during a date (that includes texting).

Wears sneakers.

Wears Crocs.

Talks about awkward or personal topics such as medical procedures.

Brags about being dishonest or achieving something done through lying or theft.

Calls every minute to make sure you aren't going to stand him up.

Whines about how past exes did him wrong.

Drops stupid one-liners.

Is overweight but expects his date to be slim or athletic.

Has no plan for a date.

BOTH SEXES

Talk about their children on a first date.

Aren't physically active.

Is late for a date.

Don't understand the sacrifices that must be made if his or her date has children.

Talk too loudly or too softly.

Are more interested in his or her pet than his or her date.

See you're afraid now too aren't you?

The Grand Scheme of Things

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

I will now admit that for my (3rd) date yesterday with Mr. Jetpack I did a slight bit of scheming. I came up with a location for the afternoon happy hour date that is within walking distance from my apartment. Ideally it is better to ride one's bicycle there because after dark the path can be frequented by Denver's slightly less than savory folks. I decided it would be best though if I walked.

Can you see the scheme yet? What if I told you he had to drive to the location because he doesn't live downtown? That's right people. Because I like to be driven around and because riding in the same car is a far better set up for some kiss action, I tried to make sure I'd have to get a ride home. I'm very thrilled that a scheming plan of mine has finally worked. So after four hours of happy hour I got a ride home.

I think he may have caught on to my scheme and played along. He pulled the well I better just park instead of merely pulling up and I'm quite sure even uttered some kind of line to the tune of, "I'd really like to kiss you." To which I devilishly replied, "Then you better come in." The scheming had gone to my head by now, obviously, and I now fancied myself some kind of smooth talker.

We had the niceties. He ogled my road bike, looked at my camp pictures on the wall and complimented the photos my brother gave me. I gave him water and turned on music. Then I figured as he had put the kissing suggestion on the table it must be my move. So I did. And there was makey outey and it was good.

21st Centry Dating, for this Dummy

For my current, common but not very exciting dilemma I decided to ask Zach what I should do and then just follow the advice.

Mr. Impatient text messaged me. I think it's been three weeks since our only date and about one week after we last text chatted about a movie I apparently told him to see. He simply asked if I'd like to get together again. He was easy to talk to but there was no attraction and I'm pretty full on the "are we friends?" male friends.

In my mind there were a few options: Text back with some excuse, text back saying no thanks I'm not into you or no response.

To Zach this seemed like a no-brainer:

Zach: oh.. something totally vague

hmmm

i'm not sure...

you for sure don't want to?

me: yeah

I wasn't hot for him

and I don't really need a friend from Longmont

or any more male "friend" types anyway

Zach: ah

hmm

just ignore it

me: really?

isn't that mean?

Zach: no

it's the easiest way

you don't owe him anything

me: ok

Zach: i'd rather be ignored then get a "nah.. i'm not interested"

me: ok then

ignore it is

So Ignore it is.

I feel like this is a good example of how the combination of texting and trying to date the opposite sex is ridiculously overcomplicated.

The Truth is I'm Just Getting Started

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

I had my second date last night with Mr. Jetpack. It was supertastic!

We met to watch an open mic night and eat some pizza. He went along with my desire to order the all meat pizza, bacon included. Conversation was really easy and lots of fun. The more I learn about him the more pleasantly surprised I am. For instance and another example. (Favorite choreographer on the show and someone he'd really like to see live)

We ate and we watched musically inclined people. I drank wine and showed off my incredibly low tolerance for alcohol. He told me how he used to participate in the open mic nights, more guitar playing than singing. He finished my wine that I had decided I should not. He talked about how we should go bike riding together and play trivia. He suggested that we take a walk around outside (perhaps in attempt to sober me up a bit). We walked and ended up back inside again for the last band. We finally left three and a half hours later. He walked me to my car. We stood there, I got the silly girl "is he going to kiss me?" butterflies. He told me he really wanted to see me when I return from my vacation (starts tomorrow). The butterflies got fluttier (kind of like sluttier or as I was informed by my hip cousin the kids now say "whoreish"). And WHAM! No kiss. Don't dismay loyal fans, counting my Dutch friend there with the plural, the lack of kiss did not squash the butterflies. Now the anticipation is just stronger. It's so ridiculous in fact I had trouble sleeping last night. Silly but a fun silly.

Gem of the Day

Such flattery makes me blush...

"You look alright....how have you been?"

...or maybe just giggle. By the way, that was the entire message.

And the runner up for Gem of the day...

" wow! dang! youzaaa! jeez luise! mother terazza! holy mole 1 jumpin jahosapjhtas! jeeper crimineez bat boi and robin! babababavavavoom ! goly gosh bever and wally! you is hot! very beautiful!

ps(what does ps stand for again) any p.s dont burn yourself young ladeeeh. . . yeah"

I had to reply to that; how could I resist such silly?

Two Months Deep

One week late!

On this post, nothing else no E.P.T needed. Apologies loyal fan (I think I'm down to one now).

Happy Two Month Anniversary of being an outed somewhat unapologetic single girl, self! You are coming along so nicely, even if you fail to post your anniversary post on your actual anniversary.

I see why people use the third-person, it's kind of fun.

On to the monthly recap....

Money I spent:

$25ish dollars on second date with Mr. Captain
$3 on Chai with Mr. Jetpack
$10 on GlueWein with Mr. BetterBike

Total for the Month: $38
Grand Total: $188

Money Spent on Me:
$20 on vodka drink and hummus from Mr. Captain
$15 on dinner and beer from Mr. Jetpack
$5 on beer from Mr. St. Patty's

Total for the Month: $40
Grand Total: $55

Financially I did much better this month. Dating is expensive...


Other numbers of interest:

0 Makey-Outeys (officially)
1 dating website quit
1 broken date (by him)
1 guy picked up in a bar
1 nearly mistaken identity (mixed up Mr. BetterBike and Mr. Jetpack on phone)
2 potential crushes (real people)
2 identical previously received Plenty of Fish messages from 2 people
3 guys whose real names begins with M
6 real dates
7 new man phone numbers in cell phone
282 new emails from dating sites

Wow, I was busy. No wonder I got tired there for a bit. The last month has begun! Homestretch! Time to lock in the win!

Point: Me

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

That's right ladies and gents my first 5♥ date. I guess he deserves a pseudonym now then. I had a "grab a drink" get together with Mr. St Patty's tonight. He was the fellow who I very blatantly hit on at the concert the Saturday before last.

From the second I arrived conversation and laughter just was. We made one pint of beer a piece last almost two hours. A list: bikes, skis, hockey, Japan, Buffs, Excel, sarcasm, Gorgol Bordello, fixing up our international friends...to name a few. I haven't been this yucky smiley after a date in over a year. I even had to have one of those gushy girlie phone calls with Alissa post date because I couldn't keep my giddy to myself. I don't really know what else to say except that I know this feeling and I hope it keeps happening. It's that one where I'm excited but then I get nervous about being excited because I don't want to jump the gun, count the chickens yada yada. Ok I better leave it at that before I get carried away. :::smile::::

Non-Date, Hawt Date

Toward the end of my date last night I got a phone call. I didn't take it because that would have been rude but I would be lying if I said that seeing the name on the Caller ID didn't make me speed my date to conclusion more quickly than I would have otherwise.

Mr. Jetpack was the caller and while I had resolved to contact him in some way today I'm glad he beat me to it. I returned his call once I got home and per our 40-minute conversation I have constructed a list.

The Top Four Slightly Superficial Reasons Why I'm a Little Swoony Over Mr. Jetpack

4. Turkey Legs. He will attend an event because it has Turkey Legs. I love Turkey Legs. So much so that I capitalize them like proper nouns.

3. When he gambles he prefers to play Blackjack. I p'own Blackjack.

2. He uses his phone for calling, not texting. I have only received two texts for him and only as follow-ups or precursors to the call.

and the number one reason why I'm a little swoony...

1. The Beatles. He cares enough about the Beatles to have a favorite one and a non-mainstream favorite song.

***End Swoon***

Date Four of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥

Last night I had my date with Mr. BetterBike. We went to a wine bar that had Gluewein, yes, thank you. I feel like this was first experience with the online dating dilemma of "oh you don't look much like your picture" that apparently guys experience frequently. He was really nice and we talked easily, especially about him being a Quaker. Yes, a Quaker. No, he wasn't wearing a hat like the guy on the oatmeal.

Like I said he was nice but he just wasn't for me. It was a little bit like I was having a date with one of the guys from Saved By the Bell, perhaps the one who dated Tori Spelling but 14 years later. I'm not claiming to be Kelly Kapowski but even that annoying Jessie Spano got to date A.C. Slater, now the host of Randy Jackson Present's America's Best Dance Crew.

Date Three of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥

This was my first second date, no not ever, smart ass. My first second date of this adventure. I went with Mr. Captain to a delicious restaurant called Bones. While I won't dwell on the wonderful that was the dinner because that would be for a different blog I felt I needed to mention it because the food itself was the highlight of the evening.

Mr. Captain was nice and he picked a very good restaurant but if you'll notice he did get a slight downgrade in date ratings from the first date.

There are second dates for a reason, actually multiple reasons. One, of course, to attend a date sober and see if you were wearing beer goggles (or in my case vodka visors). Reason two would be for the initial "we met, we're hot for each other lets get this ball rolling" bit. The third reason would be to see if the compatibility factor can take you beyond the first date small talk.

I didn't feel like I was off in my assessment of Mr. Captain's attractiveness, he was still good looking. I did, however, lack the desire to push the makey outey wagon out of the driveway. I felt like making conversation was not very easy. I felt myself almost asking questions I had already asked earlier in the evening. He seemed to be struggling with the same dilemma when he asked about how my day went more than once. It's not always easy to make conversation with a stranger, I get it. I usually really have to be on my game to not feel uncomfortable in this situation. Luckily, last night I was close to if not fully on my game, I was wearing lipstick after all. I resorted to silly questions which can either make things fun or make the awkwardness more evident. I'd say the latter happened in this case. It takes two silly people to play silly games. I just need another silly person in my life.

We made it through the date, declined dessert, split the bill, hugged and parted ways. He said something about still needing to trade music. Perhaps that will happen but if it means makey outey chances are getting slimmer.

We have an opening tomorrow, sir.

Slight change in plans.

Mr. International canceled for Thursday. He tried to reschedule but as we all know, I'm booked up. Just when I was gloating in my glory of a free evening hello netflix! hello cooking at home! Mr. BetterBike got his bike?butt? whatever in gear. So I put him in the coveted Thursday night slot right after F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

I also heard from the guy who was at the receiving end of my drunken Saturday evening antics, the good antics. We tried to find a meeting time this week but could not but we discussed a possible Monday event, so there's potential there. Potential met in real life. I must be an incredibly charming drunk. I'll give him a name after confirmation of the date.

Date Two of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥

Last night I had my date with Mr. Jetpack. I just had to look up his name because I'm having trouble enough already not mixing up the real names, oh sheesh. He picked the place out of consideration that was exactly equal distance from where we both live. Thinking ahead is sexy as is organization. Unfortunately this took me to the dreaded Highlands but for the first time in the history of my driving to the Highlands, I didn't get lost! A sign from Zeus if there ever was one (besides the lightening bolts).

We had drinks and dinner and then went for chai (I always have chai, it's pretty much required on my dates). He's super cute and tall, thin, blond and blue-eyed. I didn't really have to play the Would I Jump You Game? because I knew the answer at first glance.

He's a little dorky, which I'm sure you all know is one of my weaknesses. He likes good music but is NOT a hipster! Get that? No weird haircuts or knuckle tattoos and praise Proud Mary probably no motherf'n jean cutoffs. I think his bike might even have gears.

Sometimes there were lulls in conversation; it's hard to eat and talk at the same time. He worked hard at recovering when I didn't jump in which I found endearingly awkward. He's going to be out of town for a while so I hope I made enough of an impression to cause swooning on his side (insert winkie face here) and hopefully a stray out of town text message. I thought of doing it myself but I don't know, is it my turn? No one ever gave me that damn dating rulebook.

Never Fails to Amuse.

Today's *first* message gems:

"Hi sweetie How are you doing?.. Hey I recommend you DINNER on the first date instead of coffee shop.. If you want we can drink coffee after dinner.."

It just warms my heart when you start our storybook romance by telling me what I like to do is wrong. ::swoon::

"would u like to chat?"

How did you know? I love chatting with people who can't be bothered to spend the nanoseconds typing y and o.

" Hey I liked your profile and would love to
get know you and looks like we have a lot
a common."

His Listed Interests:

Motorcycle	Working Out	Friends
Fmaily	Camping	All Sports
Rock Climbing	Racing Cars

My Listed Interests:

eating	travel	movies
yeasayer	dorky stuff	voluneering
spontaneous dance parties	lighthearted political discussions	witty banter
advice columns	skiing	cycling

Am I missing something? Like the commonalities?

And in a never before seen lousy 4th message...

"What's up Killer? Too busy to chat? Hollaaaaaaa!"

Weird. Just Weird.

Why say it when you can burn it?

While in New Orleans I did learn and retain (retention is key!) one fun fact about old timey dating. It involves this neat thing below...

As it was explained by our Plantation-period-dressed-lovely tour guide, this candle was used for courting purposes. The father of the girl would place this candle in the room where the date was occurring and it was understood when the wick was even with the top rim the date was over. There's a slight trick. Can you find it? We just figured out Blues Clues! No? The candle can be moved up or down the spiral to make it last longer. The father would set it and you could gauge how much he approved of the suitor by how high he set the candle in the spiral. Good news! These were available in the gift shop! I wanted to get one but I didn't know quite how I could use it. I didn't want to have any first dates in my apartment and it's generally frowned upon when you bring open flames into most restaurants, bars or coffee shops. Sigh.

Yesterday on the way to my coffee date I realized that I already had access to such a gauge but the modern way! Hallelujah!


Tall: "I see you over there and I want this to be over quickly."
Grande: "I arrived before you and need something to do until you get here." OR "I see you over there and I'm still unsure."
Venti: "Heck yes! I wish Starbucks made Irish Coffees."

If you're unlucky enough to see someone order the child's/short size before she sits down with you, you might just want to fake a stomach ache and save yourself the 15 minutes.

Date One of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥

The coffee date with Mr. Impatient got moved to last night, which made me glad because it made room for my date tonight. Mr. Impatient lives in Longmont (-45 points right there, one point per minute of driving). Some people make distance work, I could probably even be that type of person but why bother when there are so many fabulous options in my neck of the woods, right Al?

So because Mr. Impatient impatiently pursued a date but did little to suggest where said date should occur I picked a coffee place in Westminster/Broomfield. Then it was at least close to my work and he didn't have to drive to Denver. I'm so nice.

He brought Connect Four and a book. He said the book was in case I didn't show up on time. I was exactly on time, he got there after me, thank you very much. The Connect Four he said he brings apparently due to experience with awkward dates. I guess it's good to be prepared.

My initial impression was not unattractive but not really my "type," translation: I don't hate yo' face but I could not really see myself pouncing on it.

We talked for a long time. This worked out well because after a while little inklings of conservatism seeped out of him. Until there was a full on, "I'm a conservative." It's not that I'm not open-minded (okay, I'm not); I just know myself well enough to know that I could not make it work romantically and in the long term with a self-proclaimed conservative. And here I thought the scariest thing I might hear on a date this week would be a confession of vegan-ism.

I think I ended up being the bad date, probably somewhat intentionally when I slightly forcefully suggested that easy access condoms to not make middle school aged children have sex. He disagreed. He lost.

I knew enough to know that it was probably time to call it a night. I think I stayed a bit longer and we discussed internet dating. This is always a horrible sign. Conversation possibilities have run their course in 1.5 hours? Time for laundry.

I can pull it off, I hope!

I'm a woman of the city. Just not Samantha, per se.

Monday Night: Coffee with Mr. Impatient
Tuesday Night: Undecided type of date with a new one, Mr. Jetpack.
Wednesday Night: Date of undecided type with Mr. Captain
Thursday Night: BBQ and Bowling? with a new one, Mr. International
Friday Night: "Date" with my Great Aunt and Family for her 95th Birthday! Wow!
Saturday Night: Photo taking date with Alissa and her husband. Possible 2nd date with Bruce and his 60's music at Sputnik.

Mr. BetterBike didn't call soon enough to make it to an evening date (unless Sunday counts), got to act fast Mr. BetterBike, I'm very popular.......this week.

The Dog Days could be over

A little update. I quit Chemistry today. It wasn't really giving me results and it was just making me feel guilty because I wasn't putting the work into it. So ciao Chemistry.

Rande is a good wingman. I wrote my phone number on some guy's arm last night at the HiDive. Then I tore up the dance floor at the Sputnik, Bruce was playing 60's music, how could I resist? Yay for going out on a Saturday night!

Looks like I will have a second date with Mr. Captain on Wednesday. He must have gotten the memo and decided to try to make plans further in advance with me. This time I will at least wait until I'm there to get my drink on.

I will have a first date with Mr. Impatient on Tuesday. I found out he lives in Longmont. A forty five minute drive each way? Not really down for that but it was too late to say no because of the distance, I guess. He was very persistent; with the right guy that's called interest with a guy from Longmont who hasn't met me yet it smells of desperation.

I will probably meet up with another guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks. He seems really nice and his job is training cyclists. Yes, perhaps I have ulterior motives but don't we all? Let's name him Mr. BetterBike.

Three dates in a week? Can it be done? Here's hoping. See you friends and family in two weeks.

Meh to you too, sir.

I can't help but think your heart just isn't in buddy, Mr. Captain.

I give guys a lot of chances. More chances then they could possibly deserve. Shaw said I should not have even gone on the date with Mr. Captain after he was half an hour late calling me. Mr. Captain said he was stuck at work late and Shaw made a good point that given Mr. Captain's profession of something with computers, he could have definitely sent a simple "stuck at work late, call soon" type of text.

Today, Mr. Captain sent a text asking me to do something tomorrow night, Saturday. Yes, it is quite possible that I'm lame and don't have plans for Saturday night by Friday morning, however in this instance I actually do. It's not very polite to assume that I do not. If you really wanted to hang out with me you probably would have checked at least slightly earlier in the week. If this were the 1800's you'd have to send a letter of request to court me months in advance. Poor romance, so dead.

I don't subscribe to many dating rules. If I were free I probably would have said yes, especially because it would have been terribly funny to have a date at a place where I knew Zachy was going to be at. Roller Derby is just all the rage now.

My rules are simple:
1. Leave a message if you expect me to respond
2. Ask me in advance, I'm a busy and terribly cool person.
and
3. I try not to put people in my cell phone by name until the 2nd date. (It got a little complicated with this multi-dating so I had to temporarily suspend this rule.)

So little effort for the first dates? Forecast says lazy deadbeat relationship. I already have had that relationship and it was a pretty big bust. Pass.

Not just normal hot

Oh plenty of fish you make me giggle.

Click here and just read the title it puts in the web browser tab. Also check out the men who they predict will think I'm hot. I'm quite sure your browser might freeze because there are just so many.... oh snap.

Other people's Opinions

I was going to direct your attention to a different love life website, with the premise that it is better. I'm not really sure it is. It's fancier; has more undergraduate accolades than mine and this Jezebel article about marriage seems to think it's worthy so check it out for yourself.

Also, I read this Letter to Singles a while ago and while I'm not nearly as angry or anti-wine drinking as its author, I thought it was worthy of mentioning. Then I got lazy or bitter or decided to hunt in the fridge and forgot about it. So read it now, if you are so inclined.

I'm baaack

Yesterday, I seriously considered throwing in the towel. I miss my couch and I miss my friends and this all just seemed pointless. However in my better mood today I will soldier on. Love is a soldier after all. This includes reading/responding to over 30 plenty of fish emails.

I liked this line: "Whats going on? I just wanted to shoot you a message and say hi. You are very cute and have a great smile. Anyways you seem fun and outgoing, and maybe sane?" Ha ha that's a big maybe buddy.

Ok I KNOW I've seen this person's picture before so either a) the same guy has been sending me stuff and I never remember his pseudonym OR b) he's going around making different profiles. Time to use that block button.

Apparently I have a great smile. Or that's just a good compliment to throw on a girl, probably because it works.

Being harassed by someone to hang out, even though I told him before I left that I was going to be out of town. Maybe I'll show up looking weird. Or I could go on the date as Mr. Doppelganger, haha. Guess we'll call him Mr. Impatient.

I like when people are funny, "I mean how could I ask out a girl who was 5'5? You wouldn't even be able to ride any of the rides at six flags with me. Not to bring up a sore spot but, how will Santa get all of his toys built if your spending all your time with me?

Well we might be able to make this work but you'll have to quit your job as an elf with Santa and prob work as a lawn gnome or something. The old lady that lives next to me is hiring them at 10$/hour."

I haven't read them all but I'm starting to get nit-picky so it must be break time.