Friday, March 25, 2011

The Long Awaited Update

Even though, I had no intention of doing this and those who will read it already know. Here it is. The update.

That above picture was my Valentine E-mail from, Mr. Jetpack aka Boyfriend aka Roommate. He also gave me pretty pink roses and we got a Wii for each other.

Let's pretend you don't know...
Mr. Jetpack and I kept dating. I went home with him for his Birthday and Thanksgiving to meet his family. We moved in together. He spent Christmas with my family. He went with my family on our tropical vacation. We acquired a cat. He maintained that he disliked cats but now Mr. Kitty and him are best friends and I get jealous sometimes. We talk about the big life things houses, weddings and (eeek!) children.

We have a lot of fun together. One day when we were purposely annoying each other and laughing the whole time, I said, "I think you and I both were just looking for the perfect person to annoy." I've found it. And he, selected me, naturally.

Friday, April 16, 2010

That's the End?

After a week (or two) of trying to figure out what I felt like writing here, for the grand conclusion, I give up. I have no overarching theme or amazing tid-bits of advice. I tried to gain some knowledge by reading through all my old posts but mostly, I just found out that I'm pretty funny (when I'm not pretty bitter). The proof:
"~Patent leather is my game face.
~someone needs to start a non-profit for the poor lonely male employees of Lockheed Martin
~I'm a woman of the city. Just not Samantha, per se.
~I thought the scariest thing I might hear on a date this week would be a confession of vegan-ism.
~A sign from Zeus if there ever was one (besides the lightening bolts)
~I must be an incredibly charming drunk.
~I drank wine and showed off my incredibly low tolerance for alcohol."

Beyond all that I feel like I need to express what I will take away from this or what I've learned, perhaps? Let's just go directly to the transcript...

Kristen: So Kristen, it's all over how do you feel?
Me: Well Kristen, I'd have to say I don't feel terribly different. That kind of disappoints me because I'd like to have something wise or dramatic for my reader(s) but oh well.

Kristen: Well you must feel like you've learned something, how about what you learned about internet dating?
Me: That's true. Firstly I think the old, you can't judge a book by its cover, has some truth in internet dating. That is, if the book is the profile or the exchanged messages. Some of the dates I was most excited about because of how the emailing went or profiles looked turned out to be flops (Mr. Princess). By the same token, here I am with Mr. Jetpack dating regularly when I hardly knew anything about him before we met except that he was cute and listened to good music. It may seem scary to just go right into meeting someone after a message or two but I do think it's a more effective use of time.

Kristen: That seems logical, any other tips?
Me: Let see...
DO hit on boys in person, even if it takes an appearance of an ex and four vodka drinks to get up the ovaries to do it.
DO give speed dating a shot, one time. It's kind of fun and makes it obvious what kind of small talk you need to brush up on. Not to mention that there are snacks. It you do go speed dating DON'T go with a group of gaggling girls, that's no different than going out on the town.
DO have a drink or two on a date (obviously don't drink and drive blah blah). We can all use a little release of nervous energy.
I have to stop because I still don't feel expert enough to offer advice with a straight face anymore.

Kristen: What would you say to someone who had considered online (or any other type of organized) dating but has hesitation due to the stigma against it?
Me: Get over it! Kidding, I look at it this way... Do you not look on Craigslist for job openings? Online dating is a resource just like any other. So when you've already hooked up with all the friends of your friends' boyfriends why not expand? I had two lovely bits of advice that made me feel less self-conscious, lovely mother said something like, you know in the old days we had church socials, that's where you'd meet someone, this is like the new-age church social. The other Mr. Jetpack actually had this on his profile (or something like it) I'm going to use all the resources available to me to meet someone new. So do it.

Kristen: What if the potential online dater is more hesitant due to safety concerns?
Me: Understandable but I think also very easy to cope with. First of all, ask yourself, "self, am I creepy?" If the answer is no (I hope it is) and you are thinking of trying online dating then chances are there is another non-creeper also thinking about it. That and just don't be dumb. Always meet in a public place, don't give out your phone number if you don't feel safe, use an email address that doesn't reveal your full name and if at anytime you feel creeped out, trust in that feeling.

Kristen: What was your favorite moment or time in this experiment?
Me: I'd definitely have to say that the week of the dates every night was a lot of fun, as most giant ego boosts are. As odd as it sounds I think it helps a first date if you know that you have one the next day too, less pressure to make this date the one and then in turn less awkward. For me that means I was able to be more like my awesome self.

Kristen: How about your least favorite time?
Me: I don't know if I have a specific time but I can tell you that I had a reoccurring feeling during a lot of the past three months that wasn't the tops. I could compare it to that Sunday evening feeling when you haven't done your school work but you know you better because Monday is coming whether you like it or not. It's a combination of guilt and dread. This is how I often felt when I knew I needed to review the online messages. It felt like work, work that had no point (like memorizing the periodic table, it's always going to be there why would I need to memorize it?).

Kristen: So did you just want to give up?
Me: Many times, actually if not for this blog, I probably would have. It seems cheesy but knowing that a few people wanted to hear my stories and didn't think I was pathetic for doing all of this really helped. That would have been lousy, so thanks for keeping me going.

Kristen: Well, we are all curious what's next? Are you going to become Catholic, develop some guilt, become a nun and then move into a convent or what?
Me: How odd you should ask that since I've had this song stuck in my head all day. As good as I look in a habit, I don't think the church would have me since I'm a bigger problem than Maria could even fathom. That and I can't sing. So, I think I will not go that route. I will keep dating Mr. Jetpack as long as it is fabulous. I will, for the time, leave up the profile on Plenty of Fish, even though I don't really use it at the moment. (Never been much of a multi-tasking dater). I guess beyond that I will just keep on looking for real love, how Carrie Bradshaw of me.

Kristen: Just to check, no more updates after this, really?
Me: I really don't think so. unless of course someone else wants to start their own dating experiment and use this blog. Maybe I'd let you know if Mr. Jetpack and I elope. Since, though most people I know are mere microseconds from wedding bells and Mr. Jetpack and I will NOT be eloping this is probably it. (I'm sad too)

Kristen: Off the record, do you have any unofficial advice?
Me: If possible keep a busy-buddy through a dating experiment. I may have had one through part of mine and it really helped to ease the blow of the bad date. Just make sure you can totally ditch him/her if someone super comes along.

Kristen: Well thanks it's been fun!
Me: I totally agree, thanks to all of you too.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bottom of the Ninth, the final summary

It really doesn't make sense that baseball is the go to euphemism for sexy time. What exactly is third base these days? Baseball is pretty boring. I like it because I can drink beer and sit in the sun. Sex deserves something more exciting (or perhaps dangerous, fast and slick) like the luge, skeleton or (can't resist) the two man bobsled. "Oh yes, they made it around the curve!" Something like that, anyway.

On to the summary for the final month...

Numbers of interest:
1 person fooled by actual fishing story on April Fool's Day
1 First Kiss
1 Double Date
1 Broken Date (mutual, due to weather)
1 Disappearing act by a boy (Mr. St. Patty's)
1 Invitation to a Fetish Ball (Mr. Captain)
1 Attempted return, out of nowhere, by a boy (Mr. Impatient)
3 Makey-Outeys (all with the same person)
5 Dates (all with the same person)
6 friends Mr. Jetpack has met of mine
92 new emails from dating sites

Money I spent (approx)
$45 on assorted dates with Mr. Jetpack

Money spent on me (approx)
$45 on assorted dates with Mr. Jetpack

Look at me go with my equality between the sexes. I think I let him pay for our next date.

Now for the Grand Total By the Numbers from Jan 11-April 11, 2010:

Money spent on me: $86
Money spent by me: $233

1 remaining crush
2 google searches that found my blog that I forgot to mention ("venereal disease" and "speed dating logistics")
3 broken dates
4 makey-outeys (officially)
4 people who looked into online dating partly due to this blog (that I know of)
5 total crushes
11 new phone numbers (many already deleted)
21/22 actual dates
680 emails from dating websites and events
1,949 visits to blog by 151 different computers

That's it by the numbers, look for the FINAL post that will be very wise and full of deep conclusions, very soon.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Exhausting as always

I can't decide if I have had plenty (or more than enough) fishing. Sara suggested that even though my three months are up I could just leave the profile up there and check it every now and again.

I kind of thought, here at the end, I'd give a positive review of what is to be had on the internet. I know people have had good experiences, for heaven's sake I'm going to a wedding next month that is based on such a story. I feel like I met a good person but the potential there is up in the air at this point. Maybe there are other people like me, people who really are ready for an actual relationship. I worry though that I'm just going to meet more of the same: douchebags, people who are too awkward in person and people who are using it as a easy way to rebound. I mean I guess it's free so I might as well just let it be. I will let the final set of messages be the deciding factor if I stick on this site.

One reply, even though I don't know why I'm doing it since I'm not really finding him attractive based on the pictures. (Stay on?: Nah)

Ok scratch that thought. Holy Fuck! DONE. A message from my friend's ex-fiance/giant douche bag? Are you kidding me? I really want to send a nasty message in return but better get approval first. (Just called nearly every person I know, no answer, everyone besides me has a life on Sunday afternoon, being single is the worst on Sundays) (Stay On?: NO WAY)

As much as I didn't feel like going after that at least there was a nice message from potentially cute fella. (Thanks fish site for making my life so complicated). Replied. (Stay On?: Perhaps)

Apparently just agreed to go for some coffee. The more messages I read the more reckless and insane I'm feeling (maybe worried about putting all my eggs in one basket that is attached to a jetpack). (Stay On?: Maybe I should.)

I love it! I've official gotten three (this being the third) stock messages more than once! It's a wonder anyone gets together anymore with behavior like this out there. (Stay On?: Feeling more pointless)

"ok lets face it im a pretty
amazing guy so dont mess up your
chance here lol jp. so whats up?"
(Stay On?: Nope)

Add on the the 4 "hi, what's ups" and I feel like the question is answered. Perhaps I'll stay on long enough to correspond with the two nice ones and hopefully get to send that jerk a very mean message. Then maybe, I need a break and a cat and perhaps a tub of frosting.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Not a Blow-Out

Date Rate: /

I'm grouping my last two hang outs with Mr. Jetpack together. It feels weird enough rating them at this point anyway.

We went on a bicycle ride on Friday morning. It was nice. I saw his apartment. It's about a 15 minute drive from where I live and apparently a 35 minute ride by bicycle
(according to Google Maps however I don't know if I trust Google Maps on that, as it always insists on sending me down Colfax to get to west Denver or the Highlands, which is just silly). We went on a nice trail not far from his place. We learned that if I wear polka-dot underwear under my bicycle shorts, anyone riding behind me will know...oops. He mentioned an "ex" when I asked if he'd seen the movie Amilie. I tried not to red flag it. I had to run because I had plans at noonish so it was a short, nice and sporty visit.

On Saturday, I drove us up to Boulder. We went to Larkburger. I had heard rumors about Larkburger for a while now and was very excited for an excuse (date) to try it for myself. The truffle fries were amazing, Mr. Jetpack was impressed too. The burger was fine. Then we drove-up Flagstaff Mountain. Even though he'd apparently been with his ex for years while she lived in Boulder he'd never been up there. (Yes, there she is again, starting to get worried) We went on a "hike," in quotations because I hadn't picked a particular trail and was really more interested in sitting on warm rocks. I think he mistook me for an outdoors-lady because he had packed a whole bag of just in-cases, including snacks and rain gear, cute. After sufficient lounging on boulders we "hiked" back down.

Then I led a failed attempt to visit NCAR, which apparently is open daily, including weekends from 12-4 except the one Saturday I try to take someone there. Did I mention he studied environmental sciences in college? I was trying to impress, not so successful. Time to go home.

We went back to my place for a little before I, again, had to attend to other plans. Now that the damned ex had been mentioned I figured I better just ask about her. I think I did so with the hope that it would be a non-issue. It seems that it likely is an issue and I'm still having a little trouble processing.

He was in a 3.5 year relationship, recently. In fact, they were engaged. Ok I'm of that age. We've all had a serious relationship or two. Distressing only because it just ended at the end of December. Sigh. I can't handle being the rebound again. I don't want to declare that this is what it is for him, especially because he said so himself. By the same token people freshly freed and me, together, have pretty lousy track-records. I could tell it was information he was worried about revealing and it was definitely information that I was afraid of hearing. He was very considerate and open. We didn't really get to finish discussing it because my parents were on their way to pick me up for an evening on the town. I 'm not calling the game lost it but it makes me slightly worried.

So, since this will be our last "public" event unless you call me or email me I guess the Kristen/Mr. Jetpack romance will end how you imagine it. Hope for good, if you don't mind, I could use some good.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fauxhemian Hipster

You may have noticed that I changed the title of this blog, slightly. There are two reasons.

1) I like the visual of idiots in tight pants and white-sunglasses fly-fishing. Think about it, it's hilarious.

2) Any blog with "hipster" in the title gets a book deal, Exhibit A and Exhibit B. You can also get a book deal if you merely occasionally mock hipsters, Exhibit C. I don't necessarily want a book deal BUT I will be pretty bored in a few days when I no longer update this blog so a book would be a good distraction. A distraction almost as good as this Xzibit X montage.

"mr. + jetpack + kissy face" [search]

So there's stalking and there's curiosity. One kills a cat and the other can kill a relationship (if you get caught).

We all do it. Don't you lie, you totally do it! I call it stalking but I think, I really mean semi-harmless, behind the back probing. Yes, let's call it probing, the non-alien type of probing.

In my old days of stalking err probing, we're talking pre-social media, (I think we had Friendster but that site hardly counts) I literally had to take it to the streets in order to probe. It probably wouldn't be surprising to anyone that I'm not the smoothest lady out there. Can you imagine me when I was sixteen? Ridiculously less smooth. My probing methods were limited to obsessively checking Caller ID; trying to figure out if he had an AOL screen name and the ever popular, albeit extremely dangerous, drive-by with car full of giggling friends. There was one incident that sticks out strongly in my mind where I (age 16 or 17) drove-by the boy's house, oh, about 8 times, in a row. Not smooth and also not sneaky since I was spotted and identified. I'm glad high school is over.

I have been the subject of the stalk/probe. I had this college boyfriend (he's recently engaged but that's beside the point), Heavy-D, we'll call him. After we had been together for years he admitted to me that he had found out about my livejournal (yes, this internet thing is really a problem in my life) within our first few dates. This matters because I had written that our first date was so-so and I didn't really know if I wanted to keep seeing him. This could have deterred him. Then we wouldn't have had more dates. Then we wouldn't have had a long college love. Then I wouldn't have broken his heart. Then he wouldn't have run into the arms of his soon to be wife. I think I deserve a gift for that last one.

But Kristen, you say, this back-story is incredibly interesting but what's your point? My point is that I am trying really, very hard, not to internet-probe Mr. Jetpack. As you already know I am guilty of looking at his profile on Plenty of Fish for no reason other than an ego-boost. I may have also sent the link for it to a few friends who live out of town. A little bragging never hurt anyone, right? Luckily his real name (yes, sorry my wedded name will not be Mrs. Kristen Jetpack) is too common for productive googling, not that I tried (more than once). Then there is the facebook. I had not even considered it since it violates key aforementioned rules. Now that the idea is in my head I'm having a really hard time resisting. A simple type-type-search and tons of information.

I will resist, in the name of progress and maturing. I mean at least for a few more days.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'll Google your Analytics, wink

A long time ago I was told about this fancy stalking tool called Google Analytics. It can keep track of who visits my blog, where they are from, etc. I put it on this blog from the get-go and mostly just look at the results to boost my ego (even though I'm sure I count as half the readership as I like to read it over a few times to check for errors). I also use it to note which of my friends really do read this (you thought I didn't know, did you?). According to stalking tool I've so far had 1,831 visits from 143 unique visitors coming from 11 countries. I'm kind of a big deal.

I had to giggle when I found that a number of people came upon my blog from that ye' ol' search engine and they found themselves here from a couple of very entertaining search words...

10. omfg die (I did type that once didn't I?)
9. kristen fisher report feb 10 (no idea)
8. kristen minth girlfriend (I think 9 and 8 just prove how few Kristens are out there)
7. how to avoid being smelly after a fishing trip (by far my favorite!)
6. fishingkristen (obviously someone who knew what they were doing)
5. fishing for kristen (perhaps the ying to my yang?)
4. female orgasm-photos (REALLY NO idea, I'm pretty sure I don't feature that)
3. calculus (You+Me=Us)
2. 2010 love mingle chatting love (This person needs a lesson on internet searches)
1. "my not really's" (I think this may actually reference, so win!)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Procrastination, it never pays off.

There is picture of me on my homepage with a little green caption that reads "sexiest user," thanks. I don't know who votes for it or if it's randomly assigned but I'll take it!

Oh my... 30 emails to read and potentially answer. This would be a lot easier if the internet wasn't going so slowly, at least I have my true love (March Madness) to distract me.

Message three of "Hello" leads to probably the most douche-heavy profile I have seen yet. Don't believe me take a gander at a sampling of his interests: retardation, reverse cowgirl, non cheating girlfriends. Keep it classy, San Diego.

***Butler leads: 12 to 11***

So what now I have a message from someone I just started talking to before a few weeks ago. Reply? Don't reply? Decided not to reply better to let people sit on the back burner instead of throwing it out, for now, just in case.

I wonder if people realize how bitter they can sound...
"Instead of talking about me, let's talk about you. If you don't feel like this describes you for the most part, odds are I won't like you.
You have at least some sense of social etiquette.
You're comfortable with your sexuality. (That just means you know what you like, not that you are easy or sleep around) If you have a tattoo, it's small and cute, but preferably you have none."
And the list goes on and on and on. (I actually replied to his email because he put in some effort; he could probably use something to help him become less bitter and because I had an easy out of him living too far away) Moving on...

Oh dude, you are not a model, nice try.

Well that's new, an about me consisting of YouTube links. I tried to click one but due to slow computer it froze my browser. They did not appear to be dirty links. Still kind of odd.

There seem to be a lot of guys from Fort Fun, apparently not so Fun after all.

Kansas??? Wow. I should have figured out how to limit the distance.

Apparently my profile (and conversely my personality) is contradictory but interestingly so, I've now been told this at least two times. A lesson in how I'm perceived by others.


I replied to a guy who wrote a whole email about how he has wanted to message me but has been intimidated and may not be the hottest guy on the site. Sad. I wrote him thank you, I'm not scary but also not looking outside the Denver area. Poor fellow, chin up!

"Fuck a subjjecto line" with accompanying message of nonsense typing. Is this internet anger? Continue blocking rampage!

Alrighty then. Made it through.

In Conclusion:

Number of Messages (of 30) that consisted of..

Only Hi + adjective (cutie, beautiful, etc): 4
Only Hi, How are you?: 5
JUST Hi: 2
Some effort referencing my profile: about 8
Requests to meet-up or chat online: 4
Just kind of sad stuff: 1
A seemingly stock message: 4
Just a smiley :( : 1

I just tried to look at Mr. Jetpack's profile to brighten things up but since messages automatically get deleted after 20 or so days it proved rather difficult. So much for internet stalking.

***Duke leads 45 to 43*** C'mon Butler!

The Final Countdown

As of yesterday there is only one week left in the "official" dating experiment.

Stop seriously...pull yourself together man...sheesh.

So that gives me 6 days to wrap up all the dating.

I admit I've let my plenty of fish emails swim around without any attention or food flakes for a week or two now. It's hard to motivate myself to deal with strangers when things are going swimmingly with a particular fish but I'll do it.

Other than wrapping things up with the already received emails, I don't really know what the end will entail.

When I started this silly business I didn't exactly plan the end out. I think because I half expected to be so miserable with it all, it would include a victorious celebration and not much else. Speaking of which, anyone who wants to attend my final date, it will be at a TBD location in the afternoon, Sunday (April 11th).

I obviously will not just randomly cast of any existing men (really just man as Mr. Jetpack is the only one not belly-up at this point). I suppose it means I will quit the dating website. Then I fear that I will be breaking a cardinal dating rule but it must be done. Anyone out there have other suggestions for the end?

Highbrow: sushi and art. Lowbrow: greasy spoon and action flicks

Date Rate:

At what point does the definition cease being "going on dates" into "dating?" I only ask because it's starting to feel a little odd to just keep giving Mr. Jetpack 5date ratings every few days. Especially when I feel like since he's already gotten the 5rating he deserves more for this past Friday night (#4 for those counting).

Our evening started with sushi. He had never had sake so I ordered us some. He adorably took it like a shot, I suppose those tiny cups can easily be confused for shot glasses. He chose the tastiest of the sushi options, the scallop roll with "crunchy." A nice dinner, for sure.

We moved on to the art show, that I had spent all day scheming with my nosy friends (hi nosy friends! ♥ You!), to make sure we were all there at the same time. We arrived and not a single one was there (fail, friends). Turns out the majority of them were at a bar next door. I know it can be tricky to throw a guy you are, just dating? going on dates with? or whatever into a fire-pit of 10+ friends, especially when it was just supposed to be an organic, "Wow we are all here at the same time! Crazy!" I gave up on the pretense and just said, "well they are at a bar, what to meet them?" To my surprise, he actually seemed interested. Amazing how dating a lousy guy on and off for a year can throw off one's perception of how normal people should and do typically behave.

We were supposed to go see a movie but the friend posse was going to go back to the art show and then continue on to First Friday Art Walk on Santa Fe. He not only was completely fine meeting my friends but was more than enthusiastic to continue to hang out for the rest of the evening with them. Major points.

The following day he bought me breakfast and then agreed to meet the last pair of straggling friends who got lost (or something?) on the way to the art show. We had coffee and then went to the movie. On the way home he even reminded me that I had to buy the Cristalino for family brunch the next day, that's right family, you can thank him for our Easter Mimosas.

He received excellent reviews from those who met him, I'm assuming they were being truthful. So that's that.

As I keep telling the people around me, I'm not for calling the game in the 4th inning (maybe we hit the 5th with the extendo-date) but things are looking good for Team Jetpack (more legal and less hairy than Team Jacob; less whiny and less creepy than Team Edward).

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sure mock me, I can take it...

I didn't need a Google search to find the answer to if I've found love or not. Thanks Google for rubbing it in and Happy April Fool's Day to you too.

And thank you to Sara for the romance tip, it's been your most useful one since we met 7 or so years ago. :)

It was huge

Recently, I had the opportunity to fish on Michigan's St. Clair River with several of my sponsors who were visiting from Arkansas.

There is a place on the river where a fairly strong current passes by some old concrete pilings. The eddies behind those pilings are usually loaded with nice smallmouth bass. We pulled our two boat just below one of these eddies and began casting.

Suddenly, my boat partner's rod bent sharply downward, and the line began peeling out. This was definitely not a bass!

In fact, we soon discovered, it was a muskie. A really, really big muskie. In fact, it was a potential record muskie that looked to be well over 60 inches long.

The problem was that the only net on either boat would barely fit over the muskie's head, let alone his whole body. "You'll just have to play him out until he gets tired," I encouraged my sponsor, who was having the battle of his life. "Then I'll try to grab him."

Well, this guy fought that muskie - and fought it very well - forever. Finally, it looked like the big brute was tiring out. When he went under the boat for the last time, my guest suggested that we try to land it.

I went up to the bow of the boat, and knelt down as a very tired fisherman began to work the fish up from beneath the boat. Finally, I got a good look at the fish. IT WAS HUGE!!

I reached down to grab our prize. That's when the muskie tipped its head up, opened its mouth, and spit out what was really hooked on the lure: a two-pound bass!

Then the muskie, realizing its freedom, decided that enough was enough, and with a flip of its tail, slowly swam away.

APRIL FOOLS! C'mon you were confused by an actual fishing story weren't you?

I Completely stole this story from here and it's really by some guy named Bill McElroy. Thanks Bill!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Experts and then some.

Slow day with lack of focus? I know it's not just me.

Check out my new favorite sex advice column.

Don't worry Mr. Savage, you're still #1!

Facebooked too soon? The Horror!

The Following lists were pulled from this Article from the Denver Post. It's worth a look simply for the sexy pictures of a dude in a superior date outfit.

These lists are pretty intense and if I weren't already in the swing of things might just scare me off from dating all together. You could do any number of the things listed below wrong or you could just be a wrong fit. I am pretty judgmental (especially in the safety of this blog) but, my oh my, maybe we are getting out of control with the picky and deal breakers, except with the jean shorts, that's legit.


Constantly call, instant message and text.

Drop in unexpectedly.

Use goofy pet names in public.

Act insecure.

Take too long to get ready.

Ask "where is this relationship going?"

Lie about age or weight.

Keep a checklist of requirements.

Friend a man on Facebook if you've only gone out a couple of times.

Lead him on, or aren't assertive enough to say "we aren't a match."

Are afraid of sending sexually explicit text messages or photos after a few dates.

Have a "tramp stamp," a tattoo above the rear end at the base of the spine.

Ask if they look fat in an outfit.

Can't walk in heels.

Never wear a dress.

Have an unkempt house.

Are always down or moody.

Are either too clingy or too distant.

Wear too much makeup or perfume.

Don't communicate feelings until they blow up.

Don't know the difference between a disagreement and a discussion.

Are picky about food.

Expect fireworks after a date instead of letting sparks grow.

Get princessy or acts entitled.

Take down profile on dating site after only a few dates.

Say "I love you," or talk about marriage after only a few dates.


Are too attached to their mothers.

Try to have sex too early.

Lie about how tall they are or how much money they make.

Whip out a calculator at dinner to split a check.

Go into hyper-pursuit mode.

Want to go out for dinner on a first date instead of something casual like having coffee.

Ask date if she has Viagra or another sexual stimulant.

Arrange group dates or has you meet his friends too early.

Don't use proper grammar or spelling.

Has sexy online dating profile names, uses sexual innuendo, talks about sex on a first date.

Facebooks a woman after a date instead of calling or texting.

Writes on a woman's Facebook page after only a few dates.

Plays head games such as waiting for three days before calling after a date.

Makes fashion errors such as wearing jorts (jean shorts) or embellished jeans.

Has minimal furniture.

Wears a Hawaiian shirt on a date.

Has goofy facial expressions while dancing.

Uses overly creative or long voice-mail messages.

Yells at the waiter.

Forces conversations or jumps from one topic to the next to avoid silences.

Is passive-aggressive or does things to push your buttons.

Uses his phone during a date (that includes texting).

Wears sneakers.

Wears Crocs.

Talks about awkward or personal topics such as medical procedures.

Brags about being dishonest or achieving something done through lying or theft.

Calls every minute to make sure you aren't going to stand him up.

Whines about how past exes did him wrong.

Drops stupid one-liners.

Is overweight but expects his date to be slim or athletic.

Has no plan for a date.


Talk about their children on a first date.

Aren't physically active.

Is late for a date.

Don't understand the sacrifices that must be made if his or her date has children.

Talk too loudly or too softly.

Are more interested in his or her pet than his or her date.

See you're afraid now too aren't you?

The Grand Scheme of Things

Date Rate:

I will now admit that for my (3rd) date yesterday with Mr. Jetpack I did a slight bit of scheming. I came up with a location for the afternoon happy hour date that is within walking distance from my apartment. Ideally it is better to ride one's bicycle there because after dark the path can be frequented by Denver's slightly less than savory folks. I decided it would be best though if I walked.

Can you see the scheme yet? What if I told you he had to drive to the location because he doesn't live downtown? That's right people. Because I like to be driven around and because riding in the same car is a far better set up for some kiss action, I tried to make sure I'd have to get a ride home. I'm very thrilled that a scheming plan of mine has finally worked. So after four hours of happy hour I got a ride home.

I think he may have caught on to my scheme and played along. He pulled the well I better just park instead of merely pulling up and I'm quite sure even uttered some kind of line to the tune of, "I'd really like to kiss you." To which I devilishly replied, "Then you better come in." The scheming had gone to my head by now, obviously, and I now fancied myself some kind of smooth talker.

We had the niceties. He ogled my road bike, looked at my camp pictures on the wall and complimented the photos my brother gave me. I gave him water and turned on music. Then I figured as he had put the kissing suggestion on the table it must be my move. So I did. And there was makey outey and it was good.

Monday, March 29, 2010

21st Centry Dating, for this Dummy

For my current, common but not very exciting dilemma I decided to ask Zach what I should do and then just follow the advice.

Mr. Impatient text messaged me. I think it's been three weeks since our only date and about one week after we last text chatted about a movie I apparently told him to see. He simply asked if I'd like to get together again. He was easy to talk to but there was no attraction and I'm pretty full on the "are we friends?" male friends.

In my mind there were a few options: Text back with some excuse, text back saying no thanks I'm not into you or no response.

To Zach this seemed like a no-brainer:

Zach: oh.. something totally vague
i'm not sure...
you for sure don't want to?
me: yeah
I wasn't hot for him
and I don't really need a friend from Longmont
or any more male "friend" types anyway
Zach: ah
just ignore it
me: really?
isn't that mean?
Zach: no
it's the easiest way
you don't owe him anything
me: ok
Zach: i'd rather be ignored then get a "nah.. i'm not interested"
me: ok then
ignore it is

So Ignore it is.

I feel like this is a good example of how the combination of texting and trying to date the opposite sex is ridiculously overcomplicated.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Truth is I'm Just Getting Started

Date Rate:

I had my second date last night with Mr. Jetpack. It was supertastic!

We met to watch an open mic night and eat some pizza. He went along with my desire to order the all meat pizza, bacon included. Conversation was really easy and lots of fun.
The more I learn about him the more pleasantly surprised I am. For instance and another example. (Favorite choreographer on the show and someone he'd really like to see live)

We ate and we watched musically inclined people. I drank wine and showed off my incredibly low tolerance for alcohol. He told me how he used to participate in the open mic nights, more guitar playing than singing. He finished my wine that I had decided I should not. He talked about how we should go bike riding together and play trivia. He suggested that we take a walk around outside (perhaps in attempt to sober me up a bit). We walked and ended up back inside again for the last band. We finally left three and a half hours later. He walked me to my car. We stood there, I got the silly girl "is he going to kiss me?" butterflies. He told me he really wanted to see me when I return from my vacation (starts tomorrow). The butterflies got fluttier (kind of like sluttier or as I was informed by my hip cousin the kids now say "whoreish"). And WHAM! No kiss. Don't dismay loyal fans, counting my Dutch friend there with the plural, the lack of kiss did not squash the butterflies. Now the anticipation is just stronger. It's so ridiculous in fact I had trouble sleeping last night. Silly but a fun silly.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Gem of the Day

Such flattery makes me blush...

"You look have you been?"

...or maybe just giggle. By the way, that was the entire message.

And the runner up for Gem of the day...

" wow! dang! youzaaa! jeez luise! mother terazza! holy mole 1 jumpin jahosapjhtas! jeeper crimineez bat boi and robin! babababavavavoom ! goly gosh bever and wally! you is hot! very beautiful!

ps(what does ps stand for again) any p.s dont burn yourself young ladeeeh. . . yeah"

I had to reply to that; how could I resist such silly?

Two Months Deep

One week late!

On this post, nothing else no E.P.T needed. Apologies loyal fan (I think I'm down to one now).

Happy Two Month Anniversary of being an outed somewhat unapologetic single girl, self! You are coming along so nicely, even if you fail to post your anniversary post on your actual anniversary.

I see why people use the third-person, it's kind of fun.

On to the monthly recap....

Money I spent:

$25ish dollars on second date with Mr. Captain
$3 on Chai with Mr. Jetpack
$10 on GlueWein with Mr. BetterBike

Total for the Month: $38
Grand Total: $188

Money Spent on Me:
$20 on vodka drink and hummus from Mr. Captain
$15 on dinner and beer from Mr. Jetpack
$5 on beer from Mr. St. Patty's

Total for the Month: $40
Grand Total: $55

Financially I did much better this month. Dating is expensive...

Other numbers of interest:

0 Makey-Outeys (officially)
1 dating website quit
1 broken date (by him)
1 guy picked up in a bar
1 nearly mistaken identity (mixed up Mr. BetterBike and Mr. Jetpack on phone)
2 potential crushes (real people)
2 identical previously received Plenty of Fish messages from 2 people
3 guys whose real names begins with M
6 real dates
7 new man phone numbers in cell phone
282 new emails from dating sites

Wow, I was busy. No wonder I got tired there for a bit. The last month has begun! Homestretch! Time to lock in the win!