That's the End?

After a week (or two) of trying to figure out what I felt like writing here, for the grand conclusion, I give up. I have no overarching theme or amazing tid-bits of advice. I tried to gain some knowledge by reading through all my old posts but mostly, I just found out that I'm pretty funny (when I'm not pretty bitter). The proof:
"~Patent leather is my game face.
~someone needs to start a non-profit for the poor lonely male employees of Lockheed Martin
~I'm a woman of the city. Just not Samantha, per se.
~I thought the scariest thing I might hear on a date this week would be a confession of vegan-ism.
~A sign from Zeus if there ever was one (besides the lightening bolts)
~I must be an incredibly charming drunk.
~I drank wine and showed off my incredibly low tolerance for alcohol."

Beyond all that I feel like I need to express what I will take away from this or what I've learned, perhaps? Let's just go directly to the transcript...

Kristen: So Kristen, it's all over how do you feel?
Me: Well Kristen, I'd have to say I don't feel terribly different. That kind of disappoints me because I'd like to have something wise or dramatic for my reader(s) but oh well.

Kristen: Well you must feel like you've learned something, how about what you learned about internet dating?
Me: That's true. Firstly I think the old, you can't judge a book by its cover, has some truth in internet dating. That is, if the book is the profile or the exchanged messages. Some of the dates I was most excited about because of how the emailing went or profiles looked turned out to be flops (Mr. Princess). By the same token, here I am with Mr. Jetpack dating regularly when I hardly knew anything about him before we met except that he was cute and listened to good music. It may seem scary to just go right into meeting someone after a message or two but I do think it's a more effective use of time.

Kristen: That seems logical, any other tips?
Me: Let see...
DO hit on boys in person, even if it takes an appearance of an ex and four vodka drinks to get up the ovaries to do it.
DO give speed dating a shot, one time. It's kind of fun and makes it obvious what kind of small talk you need to brush up on. Not to mention that there are snacks. It you do go speed dating DON'T go with a group of gaggling girls, that's no different than going out on the town.
DO have a drink or two on a date (obviously don't drink and drive blah blah). We can all use a little release of nervous energy.
I have to stop because I still don't feel expert enough to offer advice with a straight face anymore.

Kristen: What would you say to someone who had considered online (or any other type of organized) dating but has hesitation due to the stigma against it?
Me: Get over it! Kidding, I look at it this way... Do you not look on Craigslist for job openings? Online dating is a resource just like any other. So when you've already hooked up with all the friends of your friends' boyfriends why not expand? I had two lovely bits of advice that made me feel less self-conscious, lovely mother said something like, you know in the old days we had church socials, that's where you'd meet someone, this is like the new-age church social. The other Mr. Jetpack actually had this on his profile (or something like it) I'm going to use all the resources available to me to meet someone new. So do it.

Kristen: What if the potential online dater is more hesitant due to safety concerns?
Me: Understandable but I think also very easy to cope with. First of all, ask yourself, "self, am I creepy?" If the answer is no (I hope it is) and you are thinking of trying online dating then chances are there is another non-creeper also thinking about it. That and just don't be dumb. Always meet in a public place, don't give out your phone number if you don't feel safe, use an email address that doesn't reveal your full name and if at anytime you feel creeped out, trust in that feeling.

Kristen: What was your favorite moment or time in this experiment?
Me: I'd definitely have to say that the week of the dates every night was a lot of fun, as most giant ego boosts are. As odd as it sounds I think it helps a first date if you know that you have one the next day too, less pressure to make this date the one and then in turn less awkward. For me that means I was able to be more like my awesome self.

Kristen: How about your least favorite time?
Me: I don't know if I have a specific time but I can tell you that I had a reoccurring feeling during a lot of the past three months that wasn't the tops. I could compare it to that Sunday evening feeling when you haven't done your school work but you know you better because Monday is coming whether you like it or not. It's a combination of guilt and dread. This is how I often felt when I knew I needed to review the online messages. It felt like work, work that had no point (like memorizing the periodic table, it's always going to be there why would I need to memorize it?).

Kristen: So did you just want to give up?
Me: Many times, actually if not for this blog, I probably would have. It seems cheesy but knowing that a few people wanted to hear my stories and didn't think I was pathetic for doing all of this really helped. That would have been lousy, so thanks for keeping me going.

Kristen: Well, we are all curious what's next? Are you going to become Catholic, develop some guilt, become a nun and then move into a convent or what?
Me: How odd you should ask that since I've had this song stuck in my head all day. As good as I look in a habit, I don't think the church would have me since I'm a bigger problem than Maria could even fathom. That and I can't sing. So, I think I will not go that route. I will keep dating Mr. Jetpack as long as it is fabulous. I will, for the time, leave up the profile on Plenty of Fish, even though I don't really use it at the moment. (Never been much of a multi-tasking dater). I guess beyond that I will just keep on looking for real love, how Carrie Bradshaw of me.

Kristen: Just to check, no more updates after this, really?
Me: I really don't think so. unless of course someone else wants to start their own dating experiment and use this blog. Maybe I'd let you know if Mr. Jetpack and I elope. Since, though most people I know are mere microseconds from wedding bells and Mr. Jetpack and I will NOT be eloping this is probably it. (I'm sad too)

Kristen: Off the record, do you have any unofficial advice?
Me: If possible keep a busy-buddy through a dating experiment. I may have had one through part of mine and it really helped to ease the blow of the bad date. Just make sure you can totally ditch him/her if someone super comes along.

Kristen: Well thanks it's been fun!
Me: I totally agree, thanks to all of you too.

Bottom of the Ninth, the final summary

It really doesn't make sense that baseball is the go to euphemism for sexy time. What exactly is third base these days? Baseball is pretty boring. I like it because I can drink beer and sit in the sun. Sex deserves something more exciting (or perhaps dangerous, fast and slick) like the luge, skeleton or (can't resist) the two man bobsled. "Oh yes, they made it around the curve!" Something like that, anyway.

On to the summary for the final month...

Numbers of interest:
1 person fooled by actual fishing story on April Fool's Day
1 First Kiss
1 Double Date
1 Broken Date (mutual, due to weather)
1 Disappearing act by a boy (Mr. St. Patty's)
1 Invitation to a Fetish Ball (Mr. Captain)
1 Attempted return, out of nowhere, by a boy (Mr. Impatient)
3 Makey-Outeys (all with the same person)
5 Dates (all with the same person)
6 friends Mr. Jetpack has met of mine
92 new emails from dating sites


Money I spent (approx)
$45 on assorted dates with Mr. Jetpack

Money spent on me (approx)
$45 on assorted dates with Mr. Jetpack

Look at me go with my equality between the sexes. I think I let him pay for our next date.

**********************************************************************
Now for the Grand Total By the Numbers from Jan 11-April 11, 2010:

Money spent on me: $86
Money spent by me: $233

1 remaining crush
2 google searches that found my blog that I forgot to mention ("venereal disease" and "speed dating logistics")
3 broken dates
4 makey-outeys (officially)
4 people who looked into online dating partly due to this blog (that I know of)
5 total crushes
11 new phone numbers (many already deleted)
21/22 actual dates
680 emails from dating websites and events
1,949 visits to blog by 151 different computers

That's it by the numbers, look for the FINAL post that will be very wise and full of deep conclusions, very soon.

Exhausting as always

I can't decide if I have had plenty (or more than enough) fishing. Sara suggested that even though my three months are up I could just leave the profile up there and check it every now and again.

I kind of thought, here at the end, I'd give a positive review of what is to be had on the internet. I know people have had good experiences, for heaven's sake I'm going to a wedding next month that is based on such a story. I feel like I met a good person but the potential there is up in the air at this point. Maybe there are other people like me, people who really are ready for an actual relationship. I worry though that I'm just going to meet more of the same: douchebags, people who are too awkward in person and people who are using it as a easy way to rebound. I mean I guess it's free so I might as well just let it be. I will let the final set of messages be the deciding factor if I stick on this site.

One reply, even though I don't know why I'm doing it since I'm not really finding him attractive based on the pictures. (Stay on?: Nah)

Ok scratch that thought. Holy Fuck! DONE. A message from my friend's ex-fiance/giant douche bag? Are you kidding me? I really want to send a nasty message in return but better get approval first. (Just called nearly every person I know, no answer, everyone besides me has a life on Sunday afternoon, being single is the worst on Sundays) (Stay On?: NO WAY)

As much as I didn't feel like going after that at least there was a nice message from potentially cute fella. (Thanks fish site for making my life so complicated). Replied. (Stay On?: Perhaps)

Apparently just agreed to go for some coffee. The more messages I read the more reckless and insane I'm feeling (maybe worried about putting all my eggs in one basket that is attached to a jetpack). (Stay On?: Maybe I should.)

I love it! I've official gotten three (this being the third) stock messages more than once! It's a wonder anyone gets together anymore with behavior like this out there. (Stay On?: Feeling more pointless)

"ok lets face it im a pretty
amazing guy so dont mess up your
chance here lol jp. so whats up?"
(Stay On?: Nope)

Add on the the 4 "hi, what's ups" and I feel like the question is answered. Perhaps I'll stay on long enough to correspond with the two nice ones and hopefully get to send that jerk a very mean message. Then maybe, I need a break and a cat and perhaps a tub of frosting.

Not a Blow-Out

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥/♥♥♥

I'm grouping my last two hang outs with Mr. Jetpack together. It feels weird enough rating them at this point anyway.

We went on a bicycle ride on Friday morning. It was nice. I saw his apartment. It's about a 15 minute drive from where I live and apparently a 35 minute ride by bicycle (according to Google Maps however I don't know if I trust Google Maps on that, as it always insists on sending me down Colfax to get to west Denver or the Highlands, which is just silly). We went on a nice trail not far from his place. We learned that if I wear polka-dot underwear under my bicycle shorts, anyone riding behind me will know...oops. He mentioned an "ex" when I asked if he'd seen the movie Amilie. I tried not to red flag it. I had to run because I had plans at noonish so it was a short, nice and sporty visit.

On Saturday, I drove us up to Boulder. We went to Larkburger. I had heard rumors about Larkburger for a while now and was very excited for an excuse (date) to try it for myself. The truffle fries were amazing, Mr. Jetpack was impressed too. The burger was fine. Then we drove-up Flagstaff Mountain. Even though he'd apparently been with his ex for years while she lived in Boulder he'd never been up there. (Yes, there she is again, starting to get worried) We went on a "hike," in quotations because I hadn't picked a particular trail and was really more interested in sitting on warm rocks. I think he mistook me for an outdoors-lady because he had packed a whole bag of just in-cases, including snacks and rain gear, cute. After sufficient lounging on boulders we "hiked" back down.

Then I led a failed attempt to visit NCAR, which apparently is open daily, including weekends from 12-4 except the one Saturday I try to take someone there. Did I mention he studied environmental sciences in college? I was trying to impress, not so successful. Time to go home.

We went back to my place for a little before I, again, had to attend to other plans. Now that the damned ex had been mentioned I figured I better just ask about her. I think I did so with the hope that it would be a non-issue. It seems that it likely is an issue and I'm still having a little trouble processing.

He was in a 3.5 year relationship, recently. In fact, they were engaged. Ok I'm of that age. We've all had a serious relationship or two. Distressing only because it just ended at the end of December. Sigh. I can't handle being the rebound again. I don't want to declare that this is what it is for him, especially because he said so himself. By the same token people freshly freed and me, together, have pretty lousy track-records. I could tell it was information he was worried about revealing and it was definitely information that I was afraid of hearing. He was very considerate and open. We didn't really get to finish discussing it because my parents were on their way to pick me up for an evening on the town. I 'm not calling the game lost it but it makes me slightly worried.

So, since this will be our last "public" event unless you call me or email me I guess the Kristen/Mr. Jetpack romance will end how you imagine it. Hope for good, if you don't mind, I could use some good.

Fauxhemian Hipster

You may have noticed that I changed the title of this blog, slightly. There are two reasons.

1) I like the visual of idiots in tight pants and white-sunglasses fly-fishing. Think about it, it's hilarious.

2) Any blog with "hipster" in the title gets a book deal, Exhibit A and Exhibit B. You can also get a book deal if you merely occasionally mock hipsters, Exhibit C. I don't necessarily want a book deal BUT I will be pretty bored in a few days when I no longer update this blog so a book would be a good distraction. A distraction almost as good as this Xzibit X montage.

"mr. + jetpack + kissy face" [search]

So there's stalking and there's curiosity. One kills a cat and the other can kill a relationship (if you get caught).

We all do it. Don't you lie, you totally do it! I call it stalking but I think, I really mean semi-harmless, behind the back probing. Yes, let's call it probing, the non-alien type of probing.

In my old days of stalking err probing, we're talking pre-social media, (I think we had Friendster but that site hardly counts) I literally had to take it to the streets in order to probe. It probably wouldn't be surprising to anyone that I'm not the smoothest lady out there. Can you imagine me when I was sixteen? Ridiculously less smooth. My probing methods were limited to obsessively checking Caller ID; trying to figure out if he had an AOL screen name and the ever popular, albeit extremely dangerous, drive-by with car full of giggling friends. There was one incident that sticks out strongly in my mind where I (age 16 or 17) drove-by the boy's house, oh, about 8 times, in a row. Not smooth and also not sneaky since I was spotted and identified. I'm glad high school is over.

I have been the subject of the stalk/probe. I had this college boyfriend (he's recently engaged but that's beside the point), Heavy-D, we'll call him. After we had been together for years he admitted to me that he had found out about my livejournal (yes, this internet thing is really a problem in my life) within our first few dates. This matters because I had written that our first date was so-so and I didn't really know if I wanted to keep seeing him. This could have deterred him. Then we wouldn't have had more dates. Then we wouldn't have had a long college love. Then I wouldn't have broken his heart. Then he wouldn't have run into the arms of his soon to be wife. I think I deserve a gift for that last one.

But Kristen, you say, this back-story is incredibly interesting but what's your point? My point is that I am trying really, very hard, not to internet-probe Mr. Jetpack. As you already know I am guilty of looking at his profile on Plenty of Fish for no reason other than an ego-boost. I may have also sent the link for it to a few friends who live out of town. A little bragging never hurt anyone, right? Luckily his real name (yes, sorry my wedded name will not be Mrs. Kristen Jetpack) is too common for productive googling, not that I tried (more than once). Then there is the facebook. I had not even considered it since it violates key aforementioned rules. Now that the idea is in my head I'm having a really hard time resisting. A simple type-type-search and tons of information.

I will resist, in the name of progress and maturing. I mean at least for a few more days.

I'll Google your Analytics, wink

A long time ago I was told about this fancy stalking tool called Google Analytics. It can keep track of who visits my blog, where they are from, etc. I put it on this blog from the get-go and mostly just look at the results to boost my ego (even though I'm sure I count as half the readership as I like to read it over a few times to check for errors). I also use it to note which of my friends really do read this (you thought I didn't know, did you?). According to stalking tool I've so far had 1,831 visits from 143 unique visitors coming from 11 countries. I'm kind of a big deal.

I had to giggle when I found that a number of people came upon my blog from that ye' ol' search engine and they found themselves here from a couple of very entertaining search words...

10. omfg die (I did type that once didn't I?)
9. kristen fisher report feb 10 (no idea)
8. kristen minth girlfriend (I think 9 and 8 just prove how few Kristens are out there)
7. how to avoid being smelly after a fishing trip (by far my favorite!)
6. fishingkristen (obviously someone who knew what they were doing)
5. fishing for kristen (perhaps the ying to my yang?)
4. female orgasm-photos (REALLY NO idea, I'm pretty sure I don't feature that)
3. calculus (You+Me=Us)
2. 2010 love mingle chatting love nn.com (This person needs a lesson on internet searches)
1. "my not really's" (I think this may actually reference Chemistry.com, so win!)

Procrastination, it never pays off.

There is picture of me on my homepage with a little green caption that reads "sexiest user," thanks. I don't know who votes for it or if it's randomly assigned but I'll take it!

Oh my... 30 emails to read and potentially answer. This would be a lot easier if the internet wasn't going so slowly, at least I have my true love (March Madness) to distract me.

Message three of "Hello" leads to probably the most douche-heavy profile I have seen yet. Don't believe me take a gander at a sampling of his interests: retardation, reverse cowgirl, non cheating girlfriends. Keep it classy, San Diego.

***Butler leads: 12 to 11***

So what now I have a message from someone I just started talking to before a few weeks ago. Reply? Don't reply? Decided not to reply better to let people sit on the back burner instead of throwing it out, for now, just in case.

I wonder if people realize how bitter they can sound...
"Instead of talking about me, let's talk about you. If you don't feel like this describes you for the most part, odds are I won't like you.
You have at least some sense of social etiquette. You're comfortable with your sexuality. (That just means you know what you like, not that you are easy or sleep around) If you have a tattoo, it's small and cute, but preferably you have none."
And the list goes on and on and on. (I actually replied to his email because he put in some effort; he could probably use something to help him become less bitter and because I had an easy out of him living too far away) Moving on...

Oh dude, you are not a model, nice try.

Well that's new, an about me consisting of YouTube links. I tried to click one but due to slow computer it froze my browser. They did not appear to be dirty links. Still kind of odd.

There seem to be a lot of guys from Fort Fun, apparently not so Fun after all.

Kansas??? Wow. I should have figured out how to limit the distance.

Apparently my profile (and conversely my personality) is contradictory but interestingly so, I've now been told this at least two times. A lesson in how I'm perceived by others.

***Halftime***

I replied to a guy who wrote a whole email about how he has wanted to message me but has been intimidated and may not be the hottest guy on the site. Sad. I wrote him thank you, I'm not scary but also not looking outside the Denver area. Poor fellow, chin up!

"Fuck a subjjecto line" with accompanying message of nonsense typing. Is this internet anger? Continue blocking rampage!

Alrighty then. Made it through.

In Conclusion:

Number of Messages (of 30) that consisted of..

Only Hi + adjective (cutie, beautiful, etc): 4
Only Hi, How are you?: 5
JUST Hi: 2
Some effort referencing my profile: about 8
Requests to meet-up or chat online: 4
Just kind of sad stuff: 1
A seemingly stock message: 4
Just a smiley :( : 1

I just tried to look at Mr. Jetpack's profile to brighten things up but since messages automatically get deleted after 20 or so days it proved rather difficult. So much for internet stalking.

***Duke leads 45 to 43*** C'mon Butler!

The Final Countdown

As of yesterday there is only one week left in the "official" dating experiment.

Stop crying...no seriously...pull yourself together man...sheesh.

So that gives me 6 days to wrap up all the dating.

I admit I've let my plenty of fish emails swim around without any attention or food flakes for a week or two now. It's hard to motivate myself to deal with strangers when things are going swimmingly with a particular fish but I'll do it.

Other than wrapping things up with the already received emails, I don't really know what the end will entail.

When I started this silly business I didn't exactly plan the end out. I think because I half expected to be so miserable with it all, it would include a victorious celebration and not much else. Speaking of which, anyone who wants to attend my final date, it will be at a TBD location in the afternoon, Sunday (April 11th).

I obviously will not just randomly cast of any existing men (really just man as Mr. Jetpack is the only one not belly-up at this point). I suppose it means I will quit the dating website. Then I fear that I will be breaking a cardinal dating rule but it must be done. Anyone out there have other suggestions for the end?

Highbrow: sushi and art. Lowbrow: greasy spoon and action flicks

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

At what point does the definition cease being "going on dates" into "dating?" I only ask because it's starting to feel a little odd to just keep giving Mr. Jetpack 5♥ date ratings every few days. Especially when I feel like since he's already gotten the 5♥ rating he deserves more for this past Friday night (#4 for those counting).

Our evening started with sushi. He had never had sake so I ordered us some. He adorably took it like a shot, I suppose those tiny cups can easily be confused for shot glasses. He chose the tastiest of the sushi options, the scallop roll with "crunchy." A nice dinner, for sure.

We moved on to the art show, that I had spent all day scheming with my nosy friends (hi nosy friends! ♥ You!), to make sure we were all there at the same time. We arrived and not a single one was there (fail, friends). Turns out the majority of them were at a bar next door. I know it can be tricky to throw a guy you are, just dating? going on dates with? or whatever into a fire-pit of 10+ friends, especially when it was just supposed to be an organic, "Wow we are all here at the same time! Crazy!" I gave up on the pretense and just said, "well they are at a bar, what to meet them?" To my surprise, he actually seemed interested. Amazing how dating a lousy guy on and off for a year can throw off one's perception of how normal people should and do typically behave.

We were supposed to go see a movie but the friend posse was going to go back to the art show and then continue on to First Friday Art Walk on Santa Fe. He not only was completely fine meeting my friends but was more than enthusiastic to continue to hang out for the rest of the evening with them. Major points.

The following day he bought me breakfast and then agreed to meet the last pair of straggling friends who got lost (or something?) on the way to the art show. We had coffee and then went to the movie. On the way home he even reminded me that I had to buy the Cristalino for family brunch the next day, that's right family, you can thank him for our Easter Mimosas.

He received excellent reviews from those who met him, I'm assuming they were being truthful. So that's that.

As I keep telling the people around me, I'm not for calling the game in the 4th inning (maybe we hit the 5th with the extendo-date) but things are looking good for Team Jetpack (more legal and less hairy than Team Jacob; less whiny and less creepy than Team Edward).

Sure mock me, I can take it...

I didn't need a Google search to find the answer to if I've found love or not. Thanks Google for rubbing it in and Happy April Fool's Day to you too.

And thank you to Sara for the romance tip, it's been your most useful one since we met 7 or so years ago. :)

It was huge

Recently, I had the opportunity to fish on Michigan's St. Clair River with several of my sponsors who were visiting from Arkansas.

There is a place on the river where a fairly strong current passes by some old concrete pilings. The eddies behind those pilings are usually loaded with nice smallmouth bass. We pulled our two boat just below one of these eddies and began casting.

Suddenly, my boat partner's rod bent sharply downward, and the line began peeling out. This was definitely not a bass!

In fact, we soon discovered, it was a muskie. A really, really big muskie. In fact, it was a potential record muskie that looked to be well over 60 inches long.

The problem was that the only net on either boat would barely fit over the muskie's head, let alone his whole body. "You'll just have to play him out until he gets tired," I encouraged my sponsor, who was having the battle of his life. "Then I'll try to grab him."

Well, this guy fought that muskie - and fought it very well - forever. Finally, it looked like the big brute was tiring out. When he went under the boat for the last time, my guest suggested that we try to land it.

I went up to the bow of the boat, and knelt down as a very tired fisherman began to work the fish up from beneath the boat. Finally, I got a good look at the fish. IT WAS HUGE!!

I reached down to grab our prize. That's when the muskie tipped its head up, opened its mouth, and spit out what was really hooked on the lure: a two-pound bass!

Then the muskie, realizing its freedom, decided that enough was enough, and with a flip of its tail, slowly swam away.

APRIL FOOLS! C'mon you were confused by an actual fishing story weren't you?

I Completely stole this story from here and it's really by some guy named Bill McElroy. Thanks Bill!

Experts and then some.

Slow day with lack of focus? I know it's not just me.

Check out my new favorite sex advice column.

Don't worry Mr. Savage, you're still #1!

Facebooked too soon? The Horror!

The Following lists were pulled from this Article from the Denver Post. It's worth a look simply for the sexy pictures of a dude in a superior date outfit.

These lists are pretty intense and if I weren't already in the swing of things might just scare me off from dating all together. You could do any number of the things listed below wrong or you could just be a wrong fit. I am pretty judgmental (especially in the safety of this blog) but, my oh my, maybe we are getting out of control with the picky and deal breakers, except with the jean shorts, that's legit.

WOMEN

Constantly call, instant message and text.

Drop in unexpectedly.

Use goofy pet names in public.

Act insecure.

Take too long to get ready.

Ask "where is this relationship going?"

Lie about age or weight.

Keep a checklist of requirements.

Friend a man on Facebook if you've only gone out a couple of times.

Lead him on, or aren't assertive enough to say "we aren't a match."

Are afraid of sending sexually explicit text messages or photos after a few dates.

Have a "tramp stamp," a tattoo above the rear end at the base of the spine.

Ask if they look fat in an outfit.

Can't walk in heels.

Never wear a dress.

Have an unkempt house.

Are always down or moody.

Are either too clingy or too distant.

Wear too much makeup or perfume.

Don't communicate feelings until they blow up.

Don't know the difference between a disagreement and a discussion.

Are picky about food.

Expect fireworks after a date instead of letting sparks grow.

Get princessy or acts entitled.

Take down profile on dating site after only a few dates.

Say "I love you," or talk about marriage after only a few dates.

MEN

Are too attached to their mothers.

Try to have sex too early.

Lie about how tall they are or how much money they make.

Whip out a calculator at dinner to split a check.

Go into hyper-pursuit mode.

Want to go out for dinner on a first date instead of something casual like having coffee.

Ask date if she has Viagra or another sexual stimulant.

Arrange group dates or has you meet his friends too early.

Don't use proper grammar or spelling.

Has sexy online dating profile names, uses sexual innuendo, talks about sex on a first date.

Facebooks a woman after a date instead of calling or texting.

Writes on a woman's Facebook page after only a few dates.

Plays head games such as waiting for three days before calling after a date.

Makes fashion errors such as wearing jorts (jean shorts) or embellished jeans.

Has minimal furniture.

Wears a Hawaiian shirt on a date.

Has goofy facial expressions while dancing.

Uses overly creative or long voice-mail messages.

Yells at the waiter.

Forces conversations or jumps from one topic to the next to avoid silences.

Is passive-aggressive or does things to push your buttons.

Uses his phone during a date (that includes texting).

Wears sneakers.

Wears Crocs.

Talks about awkward or personal topics such as medical procedures.

Brags about being dishonest or achieving something done through lying or theft.

Calls every minute to make sure you aren't going to stand him up.

Whines about how past exes did him wrong.

Drops stupid one-liners.

Is overweight but expects his date to be slim or athletic.

Has no plan for a date.

BOTH SEXES

Talk about their children on a first date.

Aren't physically active.

Is late for a date.

Don't understand the sacrifices that must be made if his or her date has children.

Talk too loudly or too softly.

Are more interested in his or her pet than his or her date.

See you're afraid now too aren't you?

The Grand Scheme of Things

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

I will now admit that for my (3rd) date yesterday with Mr. Jetpack I did a slight bit of scheming. I came up with a location for the afternoon happy hour date that is within walking distance from my apartment. Ideally it is better to ride one's bicycle there because after dark the path can be frequented by Denver's slightly less than savory folks. I decided it would be best though if I walked.

Can you see the scheme yet? What if I told you he had to drive to the location because he doesn't live downtown? That's right people. Because I like to be driven around and because riding in the same car is a far better set up for some kiss action, I tried to make sure I'd have to get a ride home. I'm very thrilled that a scheming plan of mine has finally worked. So after four hours of happy hour I got a ride home.

I think he may have caught on to my scheme and played along. He pulled the well I better just park instead of merely pulling up and I'm quite sure even uttered some kind of line to the tune of, "I'd really like to kiss you." To which I devilishly replied, "Then you better come in." The scheming had gone to my head by now, obviously, and I now fancied myself some kind of smooth talker.

We had the niceties. He ogled my road bike, looked at my camp pictures on the wall and complimented the photos my brother gave me. I gave him water and turned on music. Then I figured as he had put the kissing suggestion on the table it must be my move. So I did. And there was makey outey and it was good.

21st Centry Dating, for this Dummy

For my current, common but not very exciting dilemma I decided to ask Zach what I should do and then just follow the advice.

Mr. Impatient text messaged me. I think it's been three weeks since our only date and about one week after we last text chatted about a movie I apparently told him to see. He simply asked if I'd like to get together again. He was easy to talk to but there was no attraction and I'm pretty full on the "are we friends?" male friends.

In my mind there were a few options: Text back with some excuse, text back saying no thanks I'm not into you or no response.

To Zach this seemed like a no-brainer:

Zach: oh.. something totally vague

hmmm

i'm not sure...

you for sure don't want to?

me: yeah

I wasn't hot for him

and I don't really need a friend from Longmont

or any more male "friend" types anyway

Zach: ah

hmm

just ignore it

me: really?

isn't that mean?

Zach: no

it's the easiest way

you don't owe him anything

me: ok

Zach: i'd rather be ignored then get a "nah.. i'm not interested"

me: ok then

ignore it is

So Ignore it is.

I feel like this is a good example of how the combination of texting and trying to date the opposite sex is ridiculously overcomplicated.

The Truth is I'm Just Getting Started

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

I had my second date last night with Mr. Jetpack. It was supertastic!

We met to watch an open mic night and eat some pizza. He went along with my desire to order the all meat pizza, bacon included. Conversation was really easy and lots of fun. The more I learn about him the more pleasantly surprised I am. For instance and another example. (Favorite choreographer on the show and someone he'd really like to see live)

We ate and we watched musically inclined people. I drank wine and showed off my incredibly low tolerance for alcohol. He told me how he used to participate in the open mic nights, more guitar playing than singing. He finished my wine that I had decided I should not. He talked about how we should go bike riding together and play trivia. He suggested that we take a walk around outside (perhaps in attempt to sober me up a bit). We walked and ended up back inside again for the last band. We finally left three and a half hours later. He walked me to my car. We stood there, I got the silly girl "is he going to kiss me?" butterflies. He told me he really wanted to see me when I return from my vacation (starts tomorrow). The butterflies got fluttier (kind of like sluttier or as I was informed by my hip cousin the kids now say "whoreish"). And WHAM! No kiss. Don't dismay loyal fans, counting my Dutch friend there with the plural, the lack of kiss did not squash the butterflies. Now the anticipation is just stronger. It's so ridiculous in fact I had trouble sleeping last night. Silly but a fun silly.

Gem of the Day

Such flattery makes me blush...

"You look alright....how have you been?"

...or maybe just giggle. By the way, that was the entire message.

And the runner up for Gem of the day...

" wow! dang! youzaaa! jeez luise! mother terazza! holy mole 1 jumpin jahosapjhtas! jeeper crimineez bat boi and robin! babababavavavoom ! goly gosh bever and wally! you is hot! very beautiful!

ps(what does ps stand for again) any p.s dont burn yourself young ladeeeh. . . yeah"

I had to reply to that; how could I resist such silly?

Two Months Deep

One week late!

On this post, nothing else no E.P.T needed. Apologies loyal fan (I think I'm down to one now).

Happy Two Month Anniversary of being an outed somewhat unapologetic single girl, self! You are coming along so nicely, even if you fail to post your anniversary post on your actual anniversary.

I see why people use the third-person, it's kind of fun.

On to the monthly recap....

Money I spent:

$25ish dollars on second date with Mr. Captain
$3 on Chai with Mr. Jetpack
$10 on GlueWein with Mr. BetterBike

Total for the Month: $38
Grand Total: $188

Money Spent on Me:
$20 on vodka drink and hummus from Mr. Captain
$15 on dinner and beer from Mr. Jetpack
$5 on beer from Mr. St. Patty's

Total for the Month: $40
Grand Total: $55

Financially I did much better this month. Dating is expensive...


Other numbers of interest:

0 Makey-Outeys (officially)
1 dating website quit
1 broken date (by him)
1 guy picked up in a bar
1 nearly mistaken identity (mixed up Mr. BetterBike and Mr. Jetpack on phone)
2 potential crushes (real people)
2 identical previously received Plenty of Fish messages from 2 people
3 guys whose real names begins with M
6 real dates
7 new man phone numbers in cell phone
282 new emails from dating sites

Wow, I was busy. No wonder I got tired there for a bit. The last month has begun! Homestretch! Time to lock in the win!

Point: Me

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥♥

That's right ladies and gents my first 5♥ date. I guess he deserves a pseudonym now then. I had a "grab a drink" get together with Mr. St Patty's tonight. He was the fellow who I very blatantly hit on at the concert the Saturday before last.

From the second I arrived conversation and laughter just was. We made one pint of beer a piece last almost two hours. A list: bikes, skis, hockey, Japan, Buffs, Excel, sarcasm, Gorgol Bordello, fixing up our international friends...to name a few. I haven't been this yucky smiley after a date in over a year. I even had to have one of those gushy girlie phone calls with Alissa post date because I couldn't keep my giddy to myself. I don't really know what else to say except that I know this feeling and I hope it keeps happening. It's that one where I'm excited but then I get nervous about being excited because I don't want to jump the gun, count the chickens yada yada. Ok I better leave it at that before I get carried away. :::smile::::

Non-Date, Hawt Date

Toward the end of my date last night I got a phone call. I didn't take it because that would have been rude but I would be lying if I said that seeing the name on the Caller ID didn't make me speed my date to conclusion more quickly than I would have otherwise.

Mr. Jetpack was the caller and while I had resolved to contact him in some way today I'm glad he beat me to it. I returned his call once I got home and per our 40-minute conversation I have constructed a list.

The Top Four Slightly Superficial Reasons Why I'm a Little Swoony Over Mr. Jetpack

4. Turkey Legs. He will attend an event because it has Turkey Legs. I love Turkey Legs. So much so that I capitalize them like proper nouns.

3. When he gambles he prefers to play Blackjack. I p'own Blackjack.

2. He uses his phone for calling, not texting. I have only received two texts for him and only as follow-ups or precursors to the call.

and the number one reason why I'm a little swoony...

1. The Beatles. He cares enough about the Beatles to have a favorite one and a non-mainstream favorite song.

***End Swoon***

Date Four of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥

Last night I had my date with Mr. BetterBike. We went to a wine bar that had Gluewein, yes, thank you. I feel like this was first experience with the online dating dilemma of "oh you don't look much like your picture" that apparently guys experience frequently. He was really nice and we talked easily, especially about him being a Quaker. Yes, a Quaker. No, he wasn't wearing a hat like the guy on the oatmeal.

Like I said he was nice but he just wasn't for me. It was a little bit like I was having a date with one of the guys from Saved By the Bell, perhaps the one who dated Tori Spelling but 14 years later. I'm not claiming to be Kelly Kapowski but even that annoying Jessie Spano got to date A.C. Slater, now the host of Randy Jackson Present's America's Best Dance Crew.

Date Three of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥

This was my first second date, no not ever, smart ass. My first second date of this adventure. I went with Mr. Captain to a delicious restaurant called Bones. While I won't dwell on the wonderful that was the dinner because that would be for a different blog I felt I needed to mention it because the food itself was the highlight of the evening.

Mr. Captain was nice and he picked a very good restaurant but if you'll notice he did get a slight downgrade in date ratings from the first date.

There are second dates for a reason, actually multiple reasons. One, of course, to attend a date sober and see if you were wearing beer goggles (or in my case vodka visors). Reason two would be for the initial "we met, we're hot for each other lets get this ball rolling" bit. The third reason would be to see if the compatibility factor can take you beyond the first date small talk.

I didn't feel like I was off in my assessment of Mr. Captain's attractiveness, he was still good looking. I did, however, lack the desire to push the makey outey wagon out of the driveway. I felt like making conversation was not very easy. I felt myself almost asking questions I had already asked earlier in the evening. He seemed to be struggling with the same dilemma when he asked about how my day went more than once. It's not always easy to make conversation with a stranger, I get it. I usually really have to be on my game to not feel uncomfortable in this situation. Luckily, last night I was close to if not fully on my game, I was wearing lipstick after all. I resorted to silly questions which can either make things fun or make the awkwardness more evident. I'd say the latter happened in this case. It takes two silly people to play silly games. I just need another silly person in my life.

We made it through the date, declined dessert, split the bill, hugged and parted ways. He said something about still needing to trade music. Perhaps that will happen but if it means makey outey chances are getting slimmer.

We have an opening tomorrow, sir.

Slight change in plans.

Mr. International canceled for Thursday. He tried to reschedule but as we all know, I'm booked up. Just when I was gloating in my glory of a free evening hello netflix! hello cooking at home! Mr. BetterBike got his bike?butt? whatever in gear. So I put him in the coveted Thursday night slot right after F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

I also heard from the guy who was at the receiving end of my drunken Saturday evening antics, the good antics. We tried to find a meeting time this week but could not but we discussed a possible Monday event, so there's potential there. Potential met in real life. I must be an incredibly charming drunk. I'll give him a name after confirmation of the date.

Date Two of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥

Last night I had my date with Mr. Jetpack. I just had to look up his name because I'm having trouble enough already not mixing up the real names, oh sheesh. He picked the place out of consideration that was exactly equal distance from where we both live. Thinking ahead is sexy as is organization. Unfortunately this took me to the dreaded Highlands but for the first time in the history of my driving to the Highlands, I didn't get lost! A sign from Zeus if there ever was one (besides the lightening bolts).

We had drinks and dinner and then went for chai (I always have chai, it's pretty much required on my dates). He's super cute and tall, thin, blond and blue-eyed. I didn't really have to play the Would I Jump You Game? because I knew the answer at first glance.

He's a little dorky, which I'm sure you all know is one of my weaknesses. He likes good music but is NOT a hipster! Get that? No weird haircuts or knuckle tattoos and praise Proud Mary probably no motherf'n jean cutoffs. I think his bike might even have gears.

Sometimes there were lulls in conversation; it's hard to eat and talk at the same time. He worked hard at recovering when I didn't jump in which I found endearingly awkward. He's going to be out of town for a while so I hope I made enough of an impression to cause swooning on his side (insert winkie face here) and hopefully a stray out of town text message. I thought of doing it myself but I don't know, is it my turn? No one ever gave me that damn dating rulebook.

Never Fails to Amuse.

Today's *first* message gems:

"Hi sweetie How are you doing?.. Hey I recommend you DINNER on the first date instead of coffee shop.. If you want we can drink coffee after dinner.."

It just warms my heart when you start our storybook romance by telling me what I like to do is wrong. ::swoon::

"would u like to chat?"

How did you know? I love chatting with people who can't be bothered to spend the nanoseconds typing y and o.

" Hey I liked your profile and would love to
get know you and looks like we have a lot
a common."

His Listed Interests:

Motorcycle	Working Out	Friends
Fmaily	Camping	All Sports
Rock Climbing	Racing Cars

My Listed Interests:

eating	travel	movies
yeasayer	dorky stuff	voluneering
spontaneous dance parties	lighthearted political discussions	witty banter
advice columns	skiing	cycling

Am I missing something? Like the commonalities?

And in a never before seen lousy 4th message...

"What's up Killer? Too busy to chat? Hollaaaaaaa!"

Weird. Just Weird.

Why say it when you can burn it?

While in New Orleans I did learn and retain (retention is key!) one fun fact about old timey dating. It involves this neat thing below...

As it was explained by our Plantation-period-dressed-lovely tour guide, this candle was used for courting purposes. The father of the girl would place this candle in the room where the date was occurring and it was understood when the wick was even with the top rim the date was over. There's a slight trick. Can you find it? We just figured out Blues Clues! No? The candle can be moved up or down the spiral to make it last longer. The father would set it and you could gauge how much he approved of the suitor by how high he set the candle in the spiral. Good news! These were available in the gift shop! I wanted to get one but I didn't know quite how I could use it. I didn't want to have any first dates in my apartment and it's generally frowned upon when you bring open flames into most restaurants, bars or coffee shops. Sigh.

Yesterday on the way to my coffee date I realized that I already had access to such a gauge but the modern way! Hallelujah!


Tall: "I see you over there and I want this to be over quickly."
Grande: "I arrived before you and need something to do until you get here." OR "I see you over there and I'm still unsure."
Venti: "Heck yes! I wish Starbucks made Irish Coffees."

If you're unlucky enough to see someone order the child's/short size before she sits down with you, you might just want to fake a stomach ache and save yourself the 15 minutes.

Date One of Four

Date Rate: ♥♥

The coffee date with Mr. Impatient got moved to last night, which made me glad because it made room for my date tonight. Mr. Impatient lives in Longmont (-45 points right there, one point per minute of driving). Some people make distance work, I could probably even be that type of person but why bother when there are so many fabulous options in my neck of the woods, right Al?

So because Mr. Impatient impatiently pursued a date but did little to suggest where said date should occur I picked a coffee place in Westminster/Broomfield. Then it was at least close to my work and he didn't have to drive to Denver. I'm so nice.

He brought Connect Four and a book. He said the book was in case I didn't show up on time. I was exactly on time, he got there after me, thank you very much. The Connect Four he said he brings apparently due to experience with awkward dates. I guess it's good to be prepared.

My initial impression was not unattractive but not really my "type," translation: I don't hate yo' face but I could not really see myself pouncing on it.

We talked for a long time. This worked out well because after a while little inklings of conservatism seeped out of him. Until there was a full on, "I'm a conservative." It's not that I'm not open-minded (okay, I'm not); I just know myself well enough to know that I could not make it work romantically and in the long term with a self-proclaimed conservative. And here I thought the scariest thing I might hear on a date this week would be a confession of vegan-ism.

I think I ended up being the bad date, probably somewhat intentionally when I slightly forcefully suggested that easy access condoms to not make middle school aged children have sex. He disagreed. He lost.

I knew enough to know that it was probably time to call it a night. I think I stayed a bit longer and we discussed internet dating. This is always a horrible sign. Conversation possibilities have run their course in 1.5 hours? Time for laundry.

I can pull it off, I hope!

I'm a woman of the city. Just not Samantha, per se.

Monday Night: Coffee with Mr. Impatient
Tuesday Night: Undecided type of date with a new one, Mr. Jetpack.
Wednesday Night: Date of undecided type with Mr. Captain
Thursday Night: BBQ and Bowling? with a new one, Mr. International
Friday Night: "Date" with my Great Aunt and Family for her 95th Birthday! Wow!
Saturday Night: Photo taking date with Alissa and her husband. Possible 2nd date with Bruce and his 60's music at Sputnik.

Mr. BetterBike didn't call soon enough to make it to an evening date (unless Sunday counts), got to act fast Mr. BetterBike, I'm very popular.......this week.

The Dog Days could be over

A little update. I quit Chemistry today. It wasn't really giving me results and it was just making me feel guilty because I wasn't putting the work into it. So ciao Chemistry.

Rande is a good wingman. I wrote my phone number on some guy's arm last night at the HiDive. Then I tore up the dance floor at the Sputnik, Bruce was playing 60's music, how could I resist? Yay for going out on a Saturday night!

Looks like I will have a second date with Mr. Captain on Wednesday. He must have gotten the memo and decided to try to make plans further in advance with me. This time I will at least wait until I'm there to get my drink on.

I will have a first date with Mr. Impatient on Tuesday. I found out he lives in Longmont. A forty five minute drive each way? Not really down for that but it was too late to say no because of the distance, I guess. He was very persistent; with the right guy that's called interest with a guy from Longmont who hasn't met me yet it smells of desperation.

I will probably meet up with another guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks. He seems really nice and his job is training cyclists. Yes, perhaps I have ulterior motives but don't we all? Let's name him Mr. BetterBike.

Three dates in a week? Can it be done? Here's hoping. See you friends and family in two weeks.

Meh to you too, sir.

I can't help but think your heart just isn't in buddy, Mr. Captain.

I give guys a lot of chances. More chances then they could possibly deserve. Shaw said I should not have even gone on the date with Mr. Captain after he was half an hour late calling me. Mr. Captain said he was stuck at work late and Shaw made a good point that given Mr. Captain's profession of something with computers, he could have definitely sent a simple "stuck at work late, call soon" type of text.

Today, Mr. Captain sent a text asking me to do something tomorrow night, Saturday. Yes, it is quite possible that I'm lame and don't have plans for Saturday night by Friday morning, however in this instance I actually do. It's not very polite to assume that I do not. If you really wanted to hang out with me you probably would have checked at least slightly earlier in the week. If this were the 1800's you'd have to send a letter of request to court me months in advance. Poor romance, so dead.

I don't subscribe to many dating rules. If I were free I probably would have said yes, especially because it would have been terribly funny to have a date at a place where I knew Zachy was going to be at. Roller Derby is just all the rage now.

My rules are simple:
1. Leave a message if you expect me to respond
2. Ask me in advance, I'm a busy and terribly cool person.
and
3. I try not to put people in my cell phone by name until the 2nd date. (It got a little complicated with this multi-dating so I had to temporarily suspend this rule.)

So little effort for the first dates? Forecast says lazy deadbeat relationship. I already have had that relationship and it was a pretty big bust. Pass.

Not just normal hot

Oh plenty of fish you make me giggle.

Click here and just read the title it puts in the web browser tab. Also check out the men who they predict will think I'm hot. I'm quite sure your browser might freeze because there are just so many.... oh snap.

Other people's Opinions

I was going to direct your attention to a different love life website, with the premise that it is better. I'm not really sure it is. It's fancier; has more undergraduate accolades than mine and this Jezebel article about marriage seems to think it's worthy so check it out for yourself.

Also, I read this Letter to Singles a while ago and while I'm not nearly as angry or anti-wine drinking as its author, I thought it was worthy of mentioning. Then I got lazy or bitter or decided to hunt in the fridge and forgot about it. So read it now, if you are so inclined.

I'm baaack

Yesterday, I seriously considered throwing in the towel. I miss my couch and I miss my friends and this all just seemed pointless. However in my better mood today I will soldier on. Love is a soldier after all. This includes reading/responding to over 30 plenty of fish emails.

I liked this line: "Whats going on? I just wanted to shoot you a message and say hi. You are very cute and have a great smile. Anyways you seem fun and outgoing, and maybe sane?" Ha ha that's a big maybe buddy.

Ok I KNOW I've seen this person's picture before so either a) the same guy has been sending me stuff and I never remember his pseudonym OR b) he's going around making different profiles. Time to use that block button.

Apparently I have a great smile. Or that's just a good compliment to throw on a girl, probably because it works.

Being harassed by someone to hang out, even though I told him before I left that I was going to be out of town. Maybe I'll show up looking weird. Or I could go on the date as Mr. Doppelganger, haha. Guess we'll call him Mr. Impatient.

I like when people are funny, "I mean how could I ask out a girl who was 5'5? You wouldn't even be able to ride any of the rides at six flags with me. Not to bring up a sore spot but, how will Santa get all of his toys built if your spending all your time with me?

Well we might be able to make this work but you'll have to quit your job as an elf with Santa and prob work as a lawn gnome or something. The old lady that lives next to me is hiring them at 10$/hour."

I haven't read them all but I'm starting to get nit-picky so it must be break time.

Ou revoir

On Vacation be back next week. Go on some dates for me! Cheers.

Pork Rinds and Onion Dip?

So I believe I've mentioned Chemistry's short answer questions and how they give you about twelve to pick from or you can write a few of your own. There is one that I don't really understand and now it kind of irks me when I get asked it. The question is "One thing I eat but I know I shouldn't is..." WTF man? What do you learn about a person from that? That they diet? That they have guilt associated with food? Why isn't the question "my perfect meal would be...?" That seems a lot more informative and with less negative baggage attached.

Just in case you were wondering I always reply in some version of the following. I eat what I want, food is good; I don't play that game, life is too short to feel guilty about such a wonderful thing as delicious food. Now I'm hungry. Can someone deliver a bagel to me?

Date and Pre-party

I quite sure it's bad form to go on a first date slightly inebriated. Ooops. I blame Shaw and the way he feeds me drinks at happy hour. I think that perhaps it's really not that bad of an idea to have a slight buzz. I didn't get nervous or self conscious. I felt like I was downright charming. Enough about me and how I can't hold my liquor and on to the date!

Date Rate: ♥♥♥♥

Mr. Captain called half and hour later than he said he would. (I didn't really care; another reason why it might not be so bad to pre-party). We decided to meet for a dinner type situation but restaurant uno had an hour long wait so we ended up at the Uptown Tavern. We got lucky and found two empty spots at the bar right away. Bar sitting is better than table sitting because you don't have to always stare at the person; because the ridiculous sport of curling that's on the television can be a topic of conversation; the people around you can either be talked about or with; in theory you get served faster (not entirely true for this place).

He was, I think, good looking. Looked more like his most flattering pictures than the other way around. He is fun to talk to, employed and a teleskiier. Kevin would like him because he drinks scotch. He didn't seem to care too much about my slight intoxication. He paid for our hummus plate and my drink. Trading music really did mean trading music but apparently my computer is ghetto and his hard drive couldn't plug in (hehehe) so we didn't trade this time. Anyway, it was a good date. If he calls again perhaps I'll even try the next one sober... oops.

There's Something About Chai

I had my coffee date last night with Mr. Doppelganger. ♥♥♥.5
He was very gracious when I was fifteen minutes late because of snow traffic. Texted, "No worries take your time and be safe," in response to my I'm running late warning. Very nice indeed. We talked for a long time. I think the coffee date last about two hours. He's an interesting person for sure. He's moved around a lot and seems to have many hobbies. I believe he's most dedicated to his hobby of karaoke singing (not kidding). He came off as very kind. He could hold a conversation and appeared to be interested in what I had to say. He likes the TV show Bewitched.

While I had a nice time talking with him and we got along quite well, I didn't get the feeling that this would relationship make. My reasons:

1. No post date butterflies. I felt pleasant which was nice but not full on icky girl giddy.
2. I like the idea of artistic types but something about them in reality doesn't quite match with my overly logical brain. (No, I haven't painted a random picture and then analyzed why I painted what I did and tried to equate it with what that says about me as a person. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
3. I think I want my potential boyfriend to be employed or at least searching for employment.
4. I had to squint to be attracted to him, not good for the wrinkles. He has a pretty large forehead and I spent many a moment squinting at him to see if I could make it shrink with perspective.
5. I didn't want to continue or date when he asked if I was hungry or wanted to go play board games for charity. I wanted to go to sleep and watch the end of the Olympics.

For your reading pleasure

An article in which Time dissects OkCupid's dissection of their own statistics about how people judge based upon race in online dating. Honestly, I'm not that surprised and don't find it that groundbreaking but it may give one more reason for using a specialty dating site catering to a particular race or ethnicity. I still kind of want to join Jdate but that would be dishonest.

Also sex advice from some hacks without jobs.

Bad Chemistry Bad!

It peed on the floor.

Now you can just skip all the lovely steps and send emails. I like the steps. I like order. I like being passive aggressive and just ignoring people. Blast.

Instant email. Sheesh. So much work.

The Daily Message Gems

"I like your profile, you sound alot of fun. Your blonde, short, and beautiful. I would like to meet you sometime. =)"

Pass

"Obviously I am shooting you this message because I like your profile pics and would like to chat more if you’re cool with that. But I’m not really into the online dating thing so I don’t want to mislead you. If you’re interested hit me up on My Space"

Does myspace trump online dating? What if you are patrolling online dating sites but then making a girl do the work to find your myspace? So maybe you are pointing out that you're cooler than me by not actually online dating? Myspace was so 2007.

I know I just highlighted the baddies but I actually had at least 3 interesting emails. I have nothing to credit but Tom and his pictures so if these guys aren't married, thanks, Tom.

Not Quite Easter Worthy Resurrection

Mr. Captain in a completely unexpected out of the woodwork but not quite Aslan stone table breaking style came back from the land of dead dates via text message late last night. I was already sleeping because I'm a grandma and my bed is just so damn comfortable so I only just read it this morning. It looks like we might be getting together Friday evening to have a drink and trade music. I hope "trade music" isn't what the kids are calling it these days. Anyhow, ballers like me have dates two days in a row.

Time to finish up last year's Easter candy people. those Peeps aren't Twinkies, after all.

Upcoming Date

So after a few sessions of phone tag Mr. Doppleganger and I have a coffee date. Tomorrow evening at my favorite neighborhood coffee shop at 6. Yes, I gave all those details so my ninja squad can spy and attack if need be.

We've talked on the phone a bit and I still don't know quite what I make of him, nice for sure possibly strange. I'm interested to see how coffee date will go. Fun fun.

I'm running one real date a week so far (counting speed dating) and I think that's pretty good stats.

A very merry un-Birthday

Maybe I'll just turn my blog into a shrine for someecards.

Reinvention

I feel like the reasons for rejecting people on Chemistry are just silly and completely useless. Here they are: no photo, not a good fit, different interests, not enough information on profile, educational differences, religious differences, marital status, doesn't want kids, pursuing another relationship, taking a break from dating, did not respond, age difference too great, communicating outside of Chemistry, physical difference is too great, prefer and non-drinker, prefer a non-smoker, different relationship essentials, no chemistry based upon short answers.

I highlighted all the ones in red that the magic preference formula is supposed to weed out before it sends you matches.

The ones I have used because they are the only ones that kind of work I highlighted in purple.

I will purpose a new list of rejection criteria starting with the old favorite of I don't like yo' face renamed as, not physically attracted to you.

Here's my new list:
Not physically attracted to you
Different interests (this one is good enough to stay)
You seem kind of douchey
Something about your profile creeps me out
There is no way you are under 32
Laziness on your profile makes me think you are probably lazy in person
No photo (also a good enough reason to keep)
Did not respond (got to get rid of those somehow)
Once I learned more about you my suspicions about you were confirmed
Meh


I am getting too judgmental when reviewing profiles. As Chea pointed out it's like house hunting or apartment hunting. After a lot of searching they all start to run together and none of them have what you want at a price you can afford to pay. So I'm trying to think of ways to freshen it up. My ideas so far consist of not really looking at the pictures and going off of profiles completely and responding to everyone who shows interest. I think neither of these are very good ideas. Must do more brainstorming.

Judgey McJudgerson

I hate myself for thinking and now saying this but why is every internet guy bald or balding?

I just like hair, when it's attached to a head.

New Pictures

Since it's been a month I suppose it's alright to switch things up a bit. Tom went through my facebook photos and selected the following pictures for me to put on my hot date profiles. Do you agree? I like them!

The Day After

Feeling kind of bummery today. Let's blame Bridget Jones's Diary and how much I felt like I could identify with her when I was watching it last night. Yes, I was that cliched single girl last (Valentine's) night except I wasn't also drunk. I'm quite sure the majority of my infatuations over the past 3-ish years could, if they were honest, which they aren't, would say they identified with the Hugh Grant character. (Remember he's the bad guy in this one). I need some Mark Darcy in my life.

I also watched men's freestyle skiing, further adding to my unrealistic obsession with semi-professional male skiers. At least it wasn't all rom-coms for my solo Valentine's evening.

I always thought it would be embarrassing to get message from someone I knew in real life on an online dating site. I guess it doesn't count if it's by my friend whom I may have partially inspired to join said dating site. It actually made me feel a little less alone in this pursuit. Thanks, you know who you are.

Sometimes the Universe...

...is on my side.

I have no interesting news. So here is some actual news I'm not going to say if it is interesting or not.

Apparently internet dating is mean. You don't say?

I would be taking this more seriously if I were in Pakistan or if I hadn't attended that pesky university. Blast.

The conclusion is the same old same old. Now I'll go back to reading Jezebel and ignoring real life.

Automatically Generated Future Post 2

Automatically Generated Future Post

I want a custom love cupcake

I will be on hiatus this weekend from dating, from blogging, from adulthood (hello parents!). Unfortunate timing as it is, that most scared holiday of love is on Sunday,

Venereal Disease Valentine's Day. I knew I'd have to leave you all with something themed, something useful and something sarcastic. As it turns out I don't even have to do the legwork myself. I like movies and I like making fun of Valentine's Day (even though I don't really hate it that much, New Year's Eve is still the worst holiday for the single person). So luckily through this series of tubes and that thing that will never last called twitter I found THIS, the perfect Valentine's Day post. Enjoy and remember...