Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm not naturally suspicious

How many axe murderers do you think date online?

Apparently you can't judge a dude-book by his cover-face. Do you think though that perhaps the occasionally good looking guy who also happens to be an axe murder is the rarity and the guy who looks kind of creepy is likely, actually creepy? Let me clarify, there is a difference between guys who I personally just happen to not find attractive and guys who give me the heebie jeebies via photo. A physically gifted fellow can be just as creepy as the genetically unfortunate one.

Let me list, from my weeks of personal experience, elements of a photo that will land you on the Island of Misfit Axe Murdering Creepy Dudes. I have personally been matched with or contacted by guys with one or more of the following characteristics.
  • No smiling, in any of your photos (is the world that awful?)
  • A picture obviously taken of you while laying in bed. (Eww)
  • Extreme close-ups not humorous in nature. (Pores do turn me on, how did you know?)
  • Photos with bad crop jobs where you can still see some girls hair. (Remind me of people who go around ripping their exes out of framed photos and putting the pictures back in the frames).
  • Attempted and Failed Smizing. (failed smiling with the eyes=angry, very angry)
  • No eyes visible in any photos. (What are you hiding?)
  • Photos that could be mistaken for (or are?) mugshots. ("I swear it was just a traffic violation!")
  • Almost all flavor-savor facial hair. (Why? Just in case Limp Bizkit has tryouts for the reunion tour?)
  • Thug face. (I'mma let you finish, oh wait, you did already, because you don't care if I do, EVER.)
  • Posing with an axe. (Okay, that one didn't really happen)
Happy Hunting.

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